How to Irritate Your Superiors
by mesmerizedbyceruleaneyes
Summary: This is the ‘How To’ guide on how to irritate your superiors i.e. buchou, fukubuchou, or coach. Oneshot collection; co-written with Kid9535. BONUS CHAPTER! Competition to be featured in grand finale also up! See if you can recognize our writing!
1. Prologue

What is this Prologue

What is this?

This… Is…SPAAARRTAAA.

Okay no.

This is the 'How To' guide on how to irritate your superiors i.e. buchou, fukubuchou, or coach.

This 'How To' guide is widely sought after by team members of Seigaku, Hyotei, Rikkai, Shitenhouji, Yamabuki, Rokkaku and many more.

This wide range of demand by various teams in Japan is brought about by the dullness of the buchou's, fukubuchou's or coach's character or personality. This will hence be amended by adherence to the How to guide.

Why is this 'How To' guide is a guaranteed success?

Because the Authoresses have said so.

And since whatever the Authoresses write is law.

Whatever the Authoresses wish to write will be and is law.

--

THIS FIC IS CO-WRITTEN BY MESMERIZEDBYCERULEANEYES AND KID9535.

**Ceru-chan: Wooohts!! New ficcy!! The first chapter should be up by the end of the week, so just wait and see how a certain buchou shall be – nope, no spoilers allowed… XD All pranks that will appear are commonly used in daily life, nya. **

**Kid-chan: Excuse 'ceru-chan's queer behaviour. All ideas are copyright of Kid9535 and mesmerisedbyceruleaneyes… -dead-**

**REVIEW PLEASE!!**


	2. Handshake Trick, or the Alien Joke

RIKKAIDAI: Sanada Genichirou (fukubuchou)

**RIKKAIDAI: Sanada Genichirou (fukubuchou)**

Method Used: Handshake Trick II

**User of 'How To' Guide: Yukimura Seiichi**

--

'Ah Genichirou, I was just about to look for you.'

'What is it, Yukimura?'

Rikkai's ever-placid buchou smiled, 'I would like to practice my Western grip with you by shaking hands, and I can't seem to find the others.' Sanada felt that he should be afraid or confused, but since he has the personality of a rock, he feels neither. Figures.

Yukuimura stretched out his hand and Sanada took it. 'Genichirou.' Up. Down.

'Hm?' Up. Down.

'Let's role-play. While practicing, I mean.'

Sanada blinked owlishly. Their hands continued to pump up and down. Yukimura gave him a docile smile. 'That's right, we'll pretend I'm the alien, and you can be the human.' Up. Down.

'Um…ah…' Up. Down.

'I knew you wouldn't mind.' Up. Down. Up. Down.

'Now remember Genichirou, whatever question I ask you, you must answer and then ask me the same question back, alright?' Up. Down. The clubroom seemed to grow even darker. Or brighter, Sanada couldn't tell which could overcome which, Yukimura's ever-glowing appearance or the aura he emitted. Up. Down.

'Hn.' Up. Down.

'What is your name?'

'Sanada Genichirou.' A pause. Up. Down. 'Genichirou…?' Yukimura prompted.

'Oh, ah, what is your name?'

'Alien.' The smile was back. Up. Down. Up. Down.

'Which planet do you come from?'

'Earth. Which planet do you come from?' Up. Down. Up. Down.

'Alien planet. Which school do you come from?' Up. Down.

'Rikkaidai Fuzoku Chuu. Which school do you come from?' Up. Down.

'Alien school. How do humans reproduce?' Up. Pause. 'Genichirou?' Down. Up.

'Um…Eh…Ah…' Sanada was beginning to wonder why he had agreed to this. He stared at his buchou as his mind raced in a frenzy of turmoil and felt the magnetic force of Yukimura's smile. Down. Damn that smile. Up. He bit his lip. 'With the ovary and sperm!' He blurted out, sighing internally at danger avoided. Down. Yukimura continued to smile. 'Genichirou?' Up. Down.

'Oh…How do aliens reproduce?' Sanada's fingers twitched with the urge to pull his hat down. He could have sworn Yukimura's smile grew wider. The walls of the clubroom seemed to close in. Up. Down.

'By shaking hands.'

Sanada almost punctured a hole in the clubroom roof when he jumped.

Yukimura simply cocked his head. 'Let's practice our Western grip again some other time, ne, Genichirou?'

Sanada didn't hear him; he was too busy sterilizing his hand.

The How To guide sat innocently on a bench nearby.

--

**Written by Kid9535**

**A/N: Don't worry, Sanada still doesn't know what's coming to him. Though I am afraid he might have been out of character. I plan to torture him a lot more. My next chapter, after mesmerizedbycereuleaneyes, will include the ever popular, ever loved umm song. I actually have two in mind. **

Please review. :D 


	3. Banana Phone

The wind blew; a calm soothing breeze

**ROKKAKU: Aoi Kentaro (buchou)**

Method: Banana Phone

**User of 'How To' Guide: Saeki Kojirou**

--

The wind blew; a calm soothing breeze. A small book on a nearby bench was blown open and the pages flipped continuously until they came to a rest at a certain page. Dark blue eyes glinted in the sunlight and a smirk danced playfully on his lips.

The following day was a Monday, Oji had them gather at the clubroom for a meeting. Someone arrived earlier than usual and a shadow flitted past the white-washed walls.

An hour later, others started to arrive. Rokkaku's ever-loud, ever-complacent, ever-energetic buchou arrived too. As he came through the door, he hardly noticed the water balloon till it was too late.

'Splash!'

While Davide and Bane were running laps, Saeki handed Kentaro a towel. 'You should dry your ears thoroughly, I read that germs may grow and thrive if you don't.' Kentaro nodded and swabbed his ears. Saeki lifted a hand to cough, and Kentaro hardly noticed the small smile quirking at Saeki's lips.

After the meeting and safely on the courts, Saeki stood a fair distance away from the buchou and slipped a hand into his pocket. The click of a mechanism was almost inaudible amongst the deafening 'thoks' of the tennis balls against the courts.

"Ding-a-ling-ling-ling-ling-ling-ling-ling!" Kentaro thought his ears were ringing. Or someone had broken the rule of no handphones on the court.

"Boo-ba-doo-ba-doop!" _Wait…_he thought_. This isn't a…_

"Boo-ba-doo-ba-doop!"_ Ringtone?_

"Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring" 'Who's playing music?' Kentaro called out. 'Who's playing…'

"Banana phone" 'Banana Phone?!'

"Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring" 'Banana phone? What are you talking about, buchou?' Bane questioned quizzically.

"Banana phone" 'Well, whoever's playing this music, turn it down.'

"I've got this feeling, so appealing," 'Do you know what buchou's talking about?'

"for us to get together and sing. Sing!" 'Buchou's going bananas over bananas. Pfft!' Davide punned, then promptly earned a swift kick to his head. Meanwhile Kentaro's head was already beginning to spin.

By the second verse, Kentaro had given up trying to convince his teammates that there was a song playing without making them think he was crazy.

By the third verse, he gave up trying to convince himself he wasn't going crazy.

By the fourth verse, Kentaro was convinced either that he had gone mad or that his teammates were deaf.

By the fifth verse, Kentaro has to restrain himself from attempting to bash his head into the fence multiple times.

The song slowly peeled the last banana and the phone rang one last time. Kentaro felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off his brain. Last verse…last verse, he chanted over and over attempting to squeeze in a few comprehensible thoughts. Practise had long been passed over to Saeki to take control and Oji hadn't been any help. He just sat there, raised a wrinkled finger and said 'You're in pain?'

"Banana phone, ring ring ring!

(It's a phone with a peel!)" _The song puns were worse than Davide's._

"Banana phone, ring ring ring!

(Now you can have your phone and eat it too!)" _What he wouldn't give to be able to kick the song in the head._

"Banana phone, ring ring ring!

(This song drives me bananas!)" _Yes, he should get someone to kick him in the head and maybe knock his brain out along with the annoying song._

Banana phone, ring ring ring!

_No, I must be strong, he thought, be strong for the last few words._

"Boo-ba-doo-ba-doop-doop-doop!"

He heaved a sigh of relief.

"Ding-a-ling-ling-ling-ling-ling-ling-ling!" _No, oh no, you can't be…_

By the time practice ended, Kentaro was safely on his way to the mental hospital in a straight jacket. Saeki simply blinked as he switched off the remote controlled radio transmitter and watched Kentaro be transferred into the ambulance still screaming about Banana phones.

Perhaps he should have heeded the warning on that particular chapter of the How To guide.

Fuji, on the other hand, was glad he could have been of service. After all, Saeki hadn't had enough allowance to purchase the How To guide. It seemed only fitting that Fuji had lent his to him, they were childhood friends.

--

**Written by Kid9535**

**A/N: Ah such a lovely song. Yes I did sort of kind of copy from the flash clip of the banana phone song where that one guy had the song playing in his head and then he got this head injury or something and died. Well basically they all die. Agh, just go watch it if you wanna know. **

**Please review. **


	4. Violation I

SHITENHOUJI: Shiraishi Kuranosuke (buchou)

**SHITENHOUJI: Shiraishi Kuranosuke (buchou)**

**Method Used: Violation I**

**User of 'How To' Guide: Senri Chitose**

--

Shiraishi was not surprised when he looked up from his paperwork to see Chitose leaning against the door frame. He sighed. "Yes, Chitose?"

"You've been doing this for ages; come on out and get some fresh air," His friend came over, smiling enthusiastically. "All work and no play makes Shiraishi a dull boy, didn't you know?" With that, he all but dragged the protesting buchou out of his cubbyhole of an office.

A few rallies later, Shiraishi was indeed feeling better. That is, until Chitose flung himself onto the bench next to him and suddenly brought his hand _very _close to his (Shiraishi's) crotch. "What –"

The grin on Chitose's face was unmistakably evil. "Do you feel violated?"

"…" Shiraishi was, for a moment, at a loss for words. Not that anyone could blame him. He glanced at the dangerously close hand again. "_Should_ I feel violated?"

"Probably," replied his best friend, still grinning. "I can do it again if you like."

Suddenly, Kintaro's voice could be heard. "Ne, ne, are they doing what I think they're doing?!"

"Let me go check it out." Zaizen appeared from somewhere behind the pair, unrolling a measuring tape as he went. Bending down, he meticulously measured the distance between Chitose's hand and Shiraishi. "Distance is two point nine eight centimeters, Kin-chan."

There was a deafening silence. Kintaro, naturally, was the first to break it. "_EHHH_?! Shiraishi's getting molested by Chitose!!"

Shiraishi's eyebrows were twitching violently. "Kindly remove your hand so that I may go and strangle that brat."

Obeying, Chitose grinned. "Which one?"

Without replying, the buchou stalked off in their kouhais' direction, and Chitose decided to leave the two kouhais at the mercy of Shiraishi's laps. He grinned, fondly stroking the 'How To' guide that was tucked safely into his tennis bag.

--

THIS CHAPTER WAS WRITTEN BY MESMERIZEDBYCERULEANEYES.

**A/N: Wow. Credits to Shu-chan for the whole weird Zaizen thing. They're probably all seriously OOC… :-X but then, it's Shitenhouji, which really doesn't get much screen time…**

**REVIEW PLEASE!!**


	5. Name Calling

Name Calling

**FUDOMINE: Kamio Akira (fukubuchou)**

Method Used: Name Calling

**User of 'How To' Guide: Mori Tatsunori**

--

'Fukubuchou, fukubuchou, fukubuchou, fukubuchou, fukubuchou, fukubuchou, fukubuchou, fukubuchou, fukubuchou, fukubuchou, fukubuchou, fukubuchou…' _Oh Lord, Mori was still at it… _Kamio moaned internally. It had been at least 2 minutes of non-stop 'fukubuchou'ing. He had absolutely no idea what had possessed his teammate today.

'Haaaaahh…' _Oh good it_…Rhythm-san, Rhythm-san, Rhythm-san, Rhythm-san, Rhythm-san…' _Dammit, I spoke too soon._

'What is it, Mori?' Kamio tried again. Mori simply continued to give him that blank stare and went on calling his name. Or rather, various forms of it. _This is the fifth time he's ignored me. _Kamio had even tried knocking some sense into the brunette but he'd simply dodged and continued calling. He even ignored Kamio when he had been ordered laps. Kamio looked at Tachibana, pleading for mercy, begging to be set free from this annoying torture – but unfortunately for him, Tachibana was frowning over some paperwork and ignored him completely.

'Kamio-sempai, Kamio-sempai, Kamio-sempai…'

'Mori, cut it out.'

'Akira-chan, Akira-chan, Akira-chan…'

Kamio seethed at that particular name. At least the others had been decent. 'Mori, _what do you want_?'

'PERSON-WHO-CRUSHES-ON-AN-CHAN, PERSON-WHO-CRUSHES-ON-AN-CHAN –'

'Oh, but Kamio actually likes Kirihara from Rikkaidai. He's so determined to win against him. It can't be anything else. In such relationships, one must always win against the one they love. It is a straightforward battle for dominance." The redhead's eyes popped at the content of his best friend's speech. "Maybe they'll settle it by wrestling. My parents wrestled to get me…" Shinji was still rambling.

That was the last straw. Kamio turned beet red and exploded, 'WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT, MORI?'

Mori stopped calling his name and just stared at him. He gave him this wide-eyed stare, unblinking, mouth open slightly until a small bit of drool leaked out. He ignored it. Kamio getting a bit freaked out was a major understatement – for a moment he even debated whether Mori had been possessed by some evil poltergeist hell-bent on driving Kamio to an early grave.

Finally, Mori gave him _the _most innocent, childish, sheepish grin and shouted 'NOTHING!' then dashed away squealing and giggling like a maniac.

Kamio pinched the bridge of his nose. _I need aspirin._ He'd heard that Tezuka from Seigaku had a weekly delivery of ten bottles of the stuff. Maybe he ought to find out where to get them.

Somewhere in the distance, Mori handed the How To guide back to Uchimura. 'Man, that was _fun_. Thanks a bunch!'

Uchimura shrugged. 'Well, we needed some entertainment…and there was nothing on TV.'

--

Written by Kid9535 and edited by mesmerisedbyceruleaneyes

**Kid: Initially, this was for Sanada…again. But we both agreed that Sanada already had his kicks, so it was time we annoyed someone else. After 3-4 weeks of procrastination, I brought up Fudomine a few days ago and ceru-chan agreed. And now, a word from mbc.**

**Ceru-chan: Wheee. Shinji's part was SO fun to write. I just modified a part of Kid and my MSN convo, so technically I didn't write it, but heck it was still fun to write. XD Poor, poor Kamio… -ebil laughter-**

**Please review!**


	6. Misjudged Portions of Anatomy

SEIGAKU: Ryuuzaki Sumire (Coach)

**SEIGAKU: Ryuuzaki Sumire (Coach)**

Method Used: Misjudged Portions of Anatomy

**User of 'How To' Guide: Fuji Syuusuke**

--

Inui adjusted his glasses as he noted down yet another distressed female teacher hurrying past after a short encounter with the resident school tensai. Fuji seemed to be leaving quite a trail of destruction behind. _How_ he did it, though, was what the data master wanted to find out.

He tapped one of Fuji's first victims – 23 years old, 1.55m tall, part-time music teacher currently pursuing further studies, or so the school's database stated – on the shoulder. "Excuse me, Maki-sensei."

"Y-yes, Inui-kun?" As though he didn't already tower ominously enough above her, she shrank slightly into herself. "C-can I help you with anything?"

"Yes, you can. I observed a short period of verbal interaction between you and Fuji Syuusuke at 1.38 p.m. – exactly three hours ago – after which you blushed and had a significant difficulty speaking. This behavior has been occurring in several female teachers at random intervals within these three hours, all after a short conversation with the aforementioned Fuji Syuusuke, and thus I concluded that the two are connected." Poising his pen, Inui looked at the unfortunate teacher. "I would like information on what he said to you – it is for the greater good."

Maki-sensei shook like a jelly under his sinister data master grin, which was strongly reminiscent of a mad scientist – a classic example might possibly be Dr Frankenstein. "Umm…"

Inui's grip on his pen tightened slightly in anticipation. "Yes?"

"W-well, Fuji-kun came to me a-and asked if-if I could p-participate in an experiment of his," began the teacher, stuttering with nerves. "H-he just… held up a hand –"

The pen was already scribbling away furiously. "How? Horizontal, vertical; in relation to the floor or –"

"Umm… palm-up to the ceiling?" she tried.

He noted it down. "Go on."

"Then h-he said… 'There's a small man standing in my hand. Pat his head', so I did," Maki-sensei continued. Before the boy could interrupt to ask for details, she quickly added, "About five inches above his hand."

Inui's eyebrow twitched slightly, but he let it go. "What did he ask you to do next?"

"He… asked me to s-shake the small man's hand." Her face heated up visibly, and she bit her lip. "T-then…"

"You obeyed, I believe," predicted the data master.

Maki-sensei's cheeks were flaming in embarrassment now as she nodded. "Um… eh… h-he held his hand about an inch higher than mine had been when I'd… eto… 'patted' the small man's head… a-and said that… said that…"

"Yes?" prompted Inui, merciless.

"T-that the man was actually that tall, so I was s-shaking h-his…" The teacher ground to a halt, too embarrassed to go on.

Closing his notebook with a snap, Inui bowed politely. "I appreciate this information. If you'll excuse me…" The data master took his leave, hurrying to the tennis courts even while he mentally calculated his chances of getting to tennis practice on time. It was an unfavorable 5 percent, but data was worth a few extra laps.

"95 percent chance I'll get 20 laps," he muttered to himself as he rounded the second to last corner at a run – and skidded to an abrupt stop at the scene before him.

Fuji was apparently trying to pull off the very trick Inui had just sniffed out on none other than the 62-year-old Ryuuzaki-sensei. "Oh, but I forgot to tell you – his head is…" His smile quirked about 15 degrees upwards, a foolproof warning sign of sadism. "Here. Ryuuzaki-sensei, I never thought you'd do such a thing…"

Laps till sunset, 100 percent chance, Inui predicted.

But the coach was _smiling_ – smiling so widely that it was almost creepy. "Why, I haven't done this for ages! How wonderful!"

Inui lost his grip on his notebook and pen, jaw quickly joining them on the grass. Fuji stared at Ryuuzaki-sensei, his normally hidden eyes huge. In a less beautiful person, they might have been described as 'bugging out'.

--

OMAKE

When he finally recovered, Inui frantically scribbled the very interesting new data on the coach into his notebook. "T-this… is illogical," he muttered, eyebrows twitching violently.

--

Fuji flipped to one of the marked pages in his copy of the 'How To' Guide and, smiling calmly, ripped it out and crumpled it into the wastebasket.

Outside his door, Yumiko noticed at the dangerous smile on her brother's face and decided that she'd better not ask him how his day had gone.

--

The rest of the tennis team never realized the reason behind their coach's new habit of shaking hands for longer than she actually should, or why she wore an evil grin whenever she spoke to Fuji.

OWARI

--

THIS CHAPTER IS WRITTEN BY MESMERIZEDBYCERULEANEYES

A/N: OMG. I'm SO sorry for the VERY, VERY late update. Writer's block, J-drama addiction and the start of school is a bad combination. Kid is particularly upset with me for delaying for so long… -kowtows- I'M REALLY SORRY!! I'll try to revive all my other half-dead multichapters too, with luck… :-X

**Ah well. It seems that with this chapter, our 100 percent success rate is gonna be… well, not 100 percent anymore… but it seemed to fit better. O.o and the last bit of the omake was kinda weird too… but I just had to add it :-X**

**Please review!!**


	7. Hypnotism

Hypnotising

**RIKKAIDAI: Yukimura Seiichi (buchou)**

Method: Hypnotism

**User of 'How To' Guide: Niou Masaharu**

--

Sanada was currently drooling.

"Very elegant, even if I do say so myself. Wouldn't you agree, Hiro-chan?" Yagyuu sighed as Niou grinned evilly, and turned back to his drafts of alibis. Yanagi was by his side attempting to help him close any loopholes that appeared. The four were alone in the clubroom after school and the target was thankfully, safely at home.

Niou ordered a few more implausible things to the drooling Sanada such that even if he hadn't made any visible reactions, his cap turned white. Yagyuu placed the final marking and Yanagi edited it, sealing every virtual loophole. Niou smirked at his handiwork and nodded approvingly at the alibi. Giving a playful smack to Sanada's back, he sent the drooling fukubuchou home. He rubbed his hands together as his doubles partner and data specialist packed up.

The plan would take place tomorrow.

--

"Attention, everyone. I have an important announcement to make." The stoic fukubuchou of Rikkai stood in the front of the clubroom, arms crossed in a trademark position. The members of the Rikkai tennis club perked up and Yukimura looked up from his paperwork with a curious expression.

"I am regrettably quitting the tennis team." Jaws dropped, eyes widened, papers scattered and Yukimura felt dizzy. _Was Genichirou serious…?_

"But…but WHY, fukubuchou?!" Akaya demanded, feigning hurt when he secretly began to plot all the things he would be able to get away with. Yukimura leaned forward slightly – yes, Genichirou should have a perfectly good explanation for this. Honestly, out of nowhere and without a resignation slip either.

"Well, to tell you the truth, I wasn't 100 percent into tennis, I didn't give it my all." Yukimura narrowed his eyes, something was up, Genichirou always put his heart and soul into the things he did, but he could sense no hesitation or doubt in Genichirou's voice. Could it be that maybe Genichirou was telling the truth?

"You see, my real love and interest is now…" Sanada brandished a remote control from nowhere and clicked the button presumably marked 'Play'. Immediately, the lights in the clubroom dimmed and music began to play.

"Singing!" Yukimura didn't know whether to laugh, cry or throw up. He almost did all simultaneously.

"This song is entitled…Valentine Kiss." All at once the cheery rhythm began, accompanied by a background clapping and the chorus.

'Shalala a lovely kiss

Shalala a kiss on my face

Shalala a lovely kiss

Shalala a kiss on my face'

Yukimura went pale. Normally he would have laughed at how silly Genichirou looked while swaying to the beat, but to give up tennis for this shoddy one-time fling hobby of singing shojo songs? Unforgivable.

'Tomorrow is very special, special day

A chance which comes around once a year

Oh darling, Oh darling

I love you!'

The other forgotten team members all gave their most horrified expressions. Akaya was caught by his loving sempai Yanagi falling from the chair exclaiming 'Nightmares! I'm gonna have nightmares!' and 'Oh my God someone kill me now!' and the all-famous 'Brain-scar!'

Now what of our scheming trio? Leave it to later, their acting skills are not to be doubted, but if they stepped in, Yukimura would know something was afoot.

Back to our cabaret-singer, Sanada was now doing some inappropriate gestures that the authoress refuses to mention as it would invoke some incriminating sex pun. But, our dear Rikkai buchou was in fact very alarmed. His long-time friend and trusted fukubuchou was degrading himself to lowly actions.

'Valentine day kiss

An adult taste ...'

This was almost too much for Yukimura and his weak complex. Sadistic though it may be, for his teammate to go 'Hard-gay-M-no-R-rated' on him was too much. Especially since he was giving up tennis for this.

'Shalala a kiss on my face'

Hence precisely when the song ended, Yukimura fell to the floor in a dead faint. Sanada had stopped singing and the karaoke machinery mysteriously vanished. Along with Sanada's come-hither personality.

As Sanada exclaimed a distressed 'YUKIMURA!' upon the sight of his beloved captain sprawled on the floor unconscious, the remaining team members snuck discreetly out of the clubroom. Yanagi snapped his camcorder shut and he and Yagyuu exchanged looks of sympathy for their leaders while Niou did a little victory dance.

--

OMAKE

"So…I want to know…" Yukimura stated, monotonously, as he slowly strode back and forth the line of regulars. "Who, exactly, hypnotized Genichirou." His voice professed sudden and certain death but Yagyuu, Niou and Yanagi didn't flinch. Marui was hyperventilating; Jackal tried to keep up his cool but was sweating profusely and Akaya? Akaya was close to crying in desperation.

Sanada stood behind Yukimura, frowning, bangs covering his eyes as heavy clouds of doom hung overhead.

"There will be a heavy punishment to those who cannot give a suitable alibi." Yukimura's voice was quiet but deadly serious. Nothing less to be expected of Rikkai's infamous Child of God. "Niou! What were you doing yesterday?" He turned to the Trickster who smirked lazily and said he'd been with Yagyuu and Yanagi.

They in turn answered that they had been in the clubroom working out their play styles and improving on their techniques and training menus. Yukimura glanced at Yanagi who managed to produce evidence of the results of the consultation, his trusted friend didn't, wouldn't lie to him. He nodded briefly.

He turned to Marui and Jackal who said they went straight home after practice.

Then Akaya.

"I was doing some self-training, buchou…" Akaya explained nervously. Yukimura glared at him, it wasn't a valid alibi. Akaya would have many reasons to target poor Sanada, being a devil himself. But Akaya wouldn't do that…it was too well-thought-out and Akaya wasn't good at hypnotizing people anyway…

"TARUNDORU!" Apparently, Genichirou didn't think so. This time, it was Yanagi who came to Akaya's rescue claiming that he had seen him doing the self-training at the street courts on their way home. Sanada was not sufficiently satisfied with this claim but the enigmatic captain was.

The incident was brushed off as unknown cause and was soon forgotten. In Rikkai of course.

Our troublesome threesome?

"Yanagi, you got it all, right?"

A nod, then a CD labeled 'Op: Seiichi Freaks Out' was brandished and placed next to the copy of 'The Guide to How To Annoy your Superiors' that Niou had stolen from Yukimura's locker.

OWARI

--

**This chapter was written by Kid9535**

**A/N: This was a rather difficult chapter to write. Seriously, Yukimura is very hard to annoy. Each time I typed in another word I felt as if some Rikkai team member would pop up randomly and slap/kick/punch/clobber me ruthlessly because I was writing them so OOC. Yanagi sure doesn't seem like the type to hang out with Niou and Yagyuu.**

**This translation of Valentine Kiss is taken from **

**Yes, Sanada seriously sang this before, me and mbc almost got brain-scarred by it. If you have problems picturing this fic, you can always listen to his version. **


	8. Inferiority Complex

FUDOMINE: Tachibana Kippei (buchou)

**FUDOMINE: Tachibana Kippei (buchou)**

Method Used: Inferiority Complex

**User of 'How To' Guide: Mori Tatsunori**

--

Mori was pissed. Very pissed. But nobody cared, simply because he was _Mori_ – and Mori was insignificant in the eyes of all, including Tachibana-buchou (or so he believed).

After yet another incident that confirmed his opinion that nobody cared about him at all (everyone, and that meant _everyone_, had forgotten that it was his birthday – but the fact that he'd never _told_ them when his birthday was just happened to slip his mind at that point of time), Mori was sulking at the street courts, figuratively growing mushrooms since even _here_ he was ignored.

"Psst."

The black cloud hanging over his head didn't twitch.

"Psst!"

Not only was it not dissipating, it was getting darker…

"Oi!"

Mori jumped three feet in the air from a standing start and did a double axle that would have made any amateur skater proud. "What?!" he gasped, then frowned suspiciously. "No, wait… you weren't talking to me, were you? Nobody ever talks to me –"

"'Course I was talking to you," interrupted the Seigaku-uniformed player. "You're Mori from Fudomine, right?"

At that, the said boy started tearing. "Y-you know me!"

"Yes, yes, I do," said the other boy, whom he now recognized as Momoshiro, Kamio-san's love rival. "Now, I need you to help me in this plan that Fuji-sempai gave me to distract Tachibana and Kamio while I ask An-chan out."

The Fudomine player was puzzled. "Why can't you just ask her out without doing all that? She seems to like you…"

Momo blinked. "Really?" When the smaller boy nodded, he grinned. "That's great! You see, I have this bet with Kamio that I'd get her to go out with me by Friday night –"

"Isn't that tomorrow?" inquired Mori.

"Exactly! That's why I need to do this!" exclaimed the taller boy. "My reputation's at stake here – I even begged Fuji-sempai for help; who knows what I'll have to do in payment…"

At the mention of Fuji Syuusuke, Mori too paled. "… do I have to?"

"Yes, you do," said Momo firmly. "Listen up. According to this –" he flipped to a marked page of the well-worn notebook he had probably received from Fuji – "you need to…"

--

Tachibana Kippei restrained the strong urge to either massage his temples or bang his head against the wall. Sometimes, the overwhelming devotion his team showed to him as their captain-cum-coach could be – he made an effort to censor before finishing that particular thought – troublesome. "Mori, you should know by now that I do no approve of _kneeling_."

"My utmost apologies, Tachibana-san!" cried the aforementioned boy, though without changing his half-prostrated position. "I have a great favor to ask of you!"

The captain sighed; Mori's inferiority complex was obviously getting the better of him. Well, it couldn't hurt to hear him out… "What is it?"

After a short period in which Mori appeared to be going through severe internal strife, he blurted out, "Allow me the great privilege of tying your shoelaces today, Tachibana-san!"

Tachibana, by some miracle, managed to keep a straight face. "… Why would you want to do that?" he ventured, stalling for time as his mind raced for an answer for this ridiculous request.

"There are many reasons –" began Mori, but was interrupted by a shout from the court two courts over before he could list them.

Sakurai sped past, on his way to the scene of action. Seeing their buchou, he called, "Tachibana-san, there's some Seigaku players here provoking Shinji and Kamio!"

With an inward sigh of relief, Tachibana silently thanked Kami-sama for saving him from having to deal with Mori and leapt to his feet, ready to charge out to the rescue of his vice-captain and teammate – only to end up falling flat on his nose. Oddly enough, Mori got out of the way in time. "Tachibana-san…? Oh good Kami-sama; Tachibana-san! I'll go get help – _Kamio!!_"

The older boy gritted his teeth and glanced at his shoes for the reason he'd fallen down – they were tied together with an incredible number of complicated, bulky knots that looked like a leftover from a Guides lesson. "Mori…"

--

OMAKE

"Here you go." Momo handed An-chan an ice cream, taking another for himself.

"Thanks," she smiled, licking it luxuriously. "That was a nice date!"

Momo laughed sheepishly. "You really think so?"

"Yeah… but I'm quite surprised that Kamio-kun didn't come over when you arrived, and that Nii-san wasn't around either," commented the girl, looking thoughtful. "I wonder what happened…?"

OWARI

--

**THIS CHAPTER WAS WRITTENG BY MESMERIEDBYCERULEANEYES**

**A/N: I'm really sorry for the late update… School's really busy, and I'm hooked on J-dramas too O.o it's a bad combination trust me.**

…**Mori seems to be just this weird guy that I twist to my uses, ne? Ah well. This chappie must totally suck… OOCness and just plain weirdness… T.T**

**in any case, it's sorta an extremely early Tachibana b'day ficcy (August 15) so happy extra-early birthday, Tachibana Kippei! **

**Please Review!**


	9. Assumption Song

The was an old farmer who lived on a rock

**SEIGAKU: Oishi Syuichirou (fukubuchou)**

**Method Used: Assumption Song**

**User of 'How To' Guide: Kikumaru Eiji**

--

"Nya, Oishi!'

"Ah Eiji, how are you? Oh, careful!" Seigaku's fukubuchou warned as Eiji launched onto him, glomping him from behind, causing them Oishi to stagger slightly to the right almost knocking over a basket of tennis balls.

"Oishi! Look what I found in my locker!" Eiji grinned playfully as he brandished a CD and a radio. "I loved this song! Have you heard it before?" Eiji continued as he loaded in the CD into the battery operated radio. Oishi shook his head, smiling at Seigaku's acrobatics professional.

"Hoi? Really Oishi? Oh, oh, it's about an hour until practice starts right? Come on, I'll sing it for you!" Oishi smiled and laughed at his friend's excitement. Eiji loaded in the CD and pressed play.

Eiji drew a breath and began.

'There was an old farmer who lived on a rock'

'He sat in the meadow just shaking his-' _Wha-wha-wha-What?!_ Oishi mentally stuttered

'Fist at some boys who were down by the crick' _Oh..heh. Right_.

'Their feet the water their hands on their-' 'Eiji!' Oishi cried out, only to have Eiji blissfully ignore him.

'Marbles and play things and at half past four' _Oh, oh-kay._

'There came a young lady she looked like a-' _EI-JI!_

'Pretty young creature she sat on the grass' The acrobatics player continued singing and ignored the scandalized yet and relieved look on Oishi's face.

'She pulled up her dress and showed them her-' Oishi was beginning to have a mental fit.

'Ruffles and laces and white fluffy duck' And Eiji just kept singing.

'She said she was learning a new way to-' _AGH!_

'Bring up her children so they would not spit' _Heh, hoo, hah…_

'While the boys in the barnyard were shoveling-' Oishi instinctively cringed.

'Refuse and litter from yesterday's hunt' _Did Eiji really have to make that pause between the…uhm line before that and the next?_ Oishi wondered.

'While the girl in the meadow was rubbing her-' Oishi widened his eyes-

'Eyes at the fellow down by the dock' -before letting them shrink from dinner plates back to normal.

'He looked like a man with a sizable-' _Curse me and my rhyming sense_, Oishi thought.

'Home in the country with a big fence out front' Eiji just kept singing. It went on until the last line where they were left with a very traumatized and emotionally exhausted Oishi.

'If you think this is dirty you can go -- yourself.'

The time Oishi really did scream. "Eiji! Y-you-you said _that_ word! You're not supposed to say it!"

"Nya, Oishi, but you were thinking of all the other naughty things I was going to say before, ne?" Eiji's eyes twinkled, cheekily.

"T-tha-that's beside the point!" Oishi exclaimed, still stuttering.

"Oishi, Kikumaru, practice has started." A deep voice sounded behind the doubles players. "Put away the radio and start your laps. 10 each."

"H-hai, Tezuka-buchou!" They chorused in unison.

As a still twitching Oishi made his way back to the locker room, he passed by Fuji exiting it, still humming the tune from 'The Assumption Song'.

Needless to say, this did not bode well with Oishi who fainted right on top of Eiji who was, unfortunately, behind him.

Somewhere in the deep dark depths of a locker, (we won't say whose) the title of the How To Guide almost, _almost_ chuckled.

End

--

THIS CHAPTER WAS WRITTEN BY KID9535

**A/N: I seriously let this rot until I changed computer and finished it here. The Assumption Song was discovered by me courtesy of a friend after school. She was the one who taught me the banana phone song and well, yeah. I couldn't catch the lyrics when she sang it though. The Assumption Song is by Arrogant Worms. I don't own anything. T.T Sad, ain't it?**

Eiji is really too evil here. And WHEEE, personification of the How To Guide, dou da? Tensai teki?

(Ceru-chan: O.o tensai ja nai wa yo! .)

Reviews would be nice.


	10. Extended StudentCoach Relationships

**HYOTEI: Sakaki Tarou (coach)**

**Method Used: Extended Student-Coach Relationships**

**User of 'How To' Guide: Hiyoshi Wakashi**

--

Sakaki Tarou was a man of his word. So, when he said he would introduce his fiancée to his team, he really intended to do it. How willingly he did it was another question altogether. After all, the impression his rather _eccentric_ team left his fiancée with might have certain repercussions he did not particularly want to think about.

Hiyoshi Yui adjusted her handbag, smiling up at him expectantly. "Well, where are they?"

"Changing," answered the man tersely. The changing room was separate from the clubroom due to the annoying tendency of fangirls infiltrating the clubroom and leaving various spyware devices for better surveillance of their idols. So far, it seemed that none of them were smart enough to notice that his team entered the clubroom _after_ changing… though of course he liked to tell himself that girls really weren't perverted enough to spy on them when their pants were down, literally.

"Oh… so this is their clubroom, is it? It's… magnificent," Yui commented, admiring the overwhelming display of wealth wholly comprised of twenty-carat gold and royal purple velvet furniture that was the Hyotei Regulars' Clubroom.

Sakaki kept a straight face as he replied, "Hyotei takes good care of their richest sponsors' children."

His fiancée giggled at that, and he smiled back at her, albeit a little forcedly. He was having difficulty suppressing the ominous sense of foreboding that was growing with every passing second. The tennis courts and clubroom were oddly unpopulated, and Sakaki did _not_ like that. "They're late," he muttered, hoping his unease didn't show.

Suddenly, the door to the changing rooms opened, the heavy drapes it was hidden behind parting as Atobe sauntered in. The normally unresponsive coach's jaw nearly dislocated at the sight of his captain, and with good reason – Atobe was wearing a cropped jacket and tight dark jeans… but _not_ wearing a shirt.

The gorgeous teen struck a model-worthy pose in front of the couple, lips curling in a smirk. "Like what you see, _Coach_?"

Yui let out a something that could only be described as a squeak, her eyes wide as she stared at Atobe. Whether she was staring in shock or in admiration, Sakaki did not know, nor did he really want to find out.

The rustle of the curtains drew everyone's attention to the door again. This time, Gakuto appeared, clad in _very_ short shorts and a sleeveless, clingy tank top, further raising the already high temperature of the room by several degrees. He came over 

to the shell-shocked coach and grabbed his tie, yanking Sakaki down so that their faces were barely two inches apart. "Yo, coach," he murmured seductively. "You know, I still prefer my own room…"

Sakaki wanted to die, right there and then. What the name of the Bloody Mary holy fucking mother of Christ was going on with his team?!

"Now now, Gakuto, play nicely," purred his vice captain, pulling the redhead off Sakaki into his own hold. "None of us want a damaged toy, do we? Pleased to make your acquaintance, ma'am. The name's Oshitari Yuushi." This last was, of course, directed at Yui – with a deep bow for an added dramatic touch, since this _was_ Yuushi.

If even the tensai was a part of this, then Sakaki might as well give everything up for lost right now. The blunette was dressed to kill in a half-unbuttoned, long-sleeved white shirt and sleek black pants – a man back from a formal party, half-undressed before bed.

Yui looked as though she might faint any moment; the coach decided that keeping his promises could go to hell – all he wanted was to get them both out of here as soon as possible and hopefully save their engagement. They might even move to America to get married. Yes, that was a _very_ good idea; why hadn't he thought of that before?!

He had yet to act on this plan when someone else arrived on the scene. "Has anyone seen Shishido-san?" inquired Choutarou, blinking innocently at the coach as though the room they were in did not bear close resemblance to a high-class strip bar. "Oh, hi coach!"

Choutarou, at least, didn't appear as outrageous as the others. Cargo pants and a relatively simple T-shirt made up his attire, and Sakaki let out a sigh of relief – only to realize that the back of the seemingly innocent shirt was printed with huge block letters that proclaimed 'HYOTEI: BECAUSE OUR COACH PWNS US ALL – ON _AND_ OFF THE TENNIS COURTS' in a shade of red so bright it could probably glow in the dark. Sakaki's face obligingly turned a complementary shade of green at the revelation.

"I'm right here," answered Shishido, strolling over towards Sakaki and Choutarou. "Nice to see you missed me… did _you_, coach?" He punctuated his demand with a tight slap to the rear of the team's unfortunate coach.

"Shishido-san…" Choutarou practically pouted. "Of course I missed you…"

Around this point, both Sakaki and Yui cracked. The slap had been the last straw; their reeling minds crossed over the border between sanity and insanity. The coach crumpled to the floor in a dead faint; Yui took one last look at the chaotic scene before grabbing her handbag and fleeing for her life, frantically shouting for the police as she went.

Hiyoshi Wakashi watched, satisfied, as his cousin disappeared down the path towards the main school gate. He had never approved of cousin Yui's engagement 

to his _coach_ of all people. "Gekokujyou," he muttered. "Don't _ever_ try to take a Hiyoshi again."

--

OMAKE

"Hell, I can't believe we did all that for _Hiyoshi_… I feel like scrubbing myself until my skin peels off; it's that bad…"

"Come off it, at least _you_ didn't have to slap his _butt_!! I _need_ disinfectant!!"

"Gakuto, may I just say that you look great in shorts like that."

"… thanks… you looked great too…"

"… why am I listening to this sappy conversation? _Hiyoshi_!! _Disinfectant_!!"

"I can't find it."

"YOU SAID YOU'D BROUGHT DISINFECTANT!!"

"... I thought I had…"

"… Fuck."

"C'EST INSUPPORTABLE!! ORE-SAMA WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS!! KABAJI!!"

"Usu."

"By the way, Oshitari-sempai, thanks for the tip."

"ORDER TEN THOUSAND U.S. DOLLARS WORTH OF THE BEST HOSPITAL DISINFECTANT IN THE MARKET!! TELL THEM TO SEND IT BY HELICOPTER!!"

"No problem. I got it from Fuji myself."

"Usu."

"IF IT ISN'T HERE IN TEN MINUTES FLAT, ORE-SAMA SHALL CLOSE DOWN THEIR COMPANY!! MAKE SURE THEY KNOW THAT!!"

"You know, you could always just swear in plain Japanese like the rest of us… you _were_ swearing in French, weren't you?"

"… MERDE!!"

"Yeah, thought so."

"I recommend the insult 'motherfucker'. It's very useful; just remember that it's generally not so impactful on girls."

"What would it be then, Shishido-san? 'Fatherfucker'?"

"Hmm, maybe…"

"… KABAJI!! ORE-SAMA'S DISINFECTANT!!"

"… Gekokujyou…"

OWARI

--

THIS CHAPTER WAS WRITTEN BY MESMERIZEDBYCERULEANEYES

**A/N: I'm **_**majorly**_** overdue in this update, and guess what? Both Kid and I are going on hiatus from now till the 10****th**** of October earliest. So no updates. –ducks rotten tomatoes and eggs- I'm really sorry, but final-year exams are in less than four weeks' time, and studying doesn't get priority, our grades will be far, far down the drain… which is **_**not**_** something either of us would like, thank you very much. Straight A1s are **_**so**_** much more preferable. Until then, none of my fics, including this one, will be updated… and I don't think Kid's will, either.**

**As for the story itself… well, just imagining the lot of them in those outfits (credits to Shu-chan) nearly gave me a nosebleed… Sakaki would have really suffered… XD Oh, Choutarou's T-shirt's message was inspired by the ficcy 'Shirts, among other things', but I've kinda forgotten the author :-X anyways, credits to whoever she is! **

**If anyone's going to ask, I myself have no idea how Sakaki could have **_**not**_** realized that Yui's Hiyoshi's cousin. O.o**


	11. Chicken Dance

**JYOUSEI SHOUNAN: Kajimoto Takahisa (buchou)**

**Method Used: Chicken Dance**

**User of 'How To' Guide: Wakato Hiroshi**

**--**

_It is quiet._

_Too quiet,_ Kajimoto thought.

But someone as inflexible (not literally, you'll see soon) as third year tennis buchou Kajimoto Takahisa would obviously not realize the change in atmosphere in the abandoned indoor tennis courts.

It was after school, after tennis practice, and after curfew, Kajimoto decided after checking the storeroom and clearing all the paperwork, to head home. His brows immediately creased when he heard a strange crashing and clanging from the locker room.

All the regulars had gone home hadn't they? Kajimoto thought, '_no one should be here…'_

He proceeded cautiously toward the locker room and opened the door…

…and stepped on a skateboard.

All the lights in the gym flared to life.

Following which a barrel of syrup landed on his head and then _click_.

FWOOOOMMMM

Like a bad reenactment of Home Alone, a well placed fan whirred to life, propelling an open bag of feathers onto the poor disheveled and bewildered Kajimoto.

Of course with the added wheels, he was literally blown away onto the tennis courts.

There a pole from the balcony was dropped towards Kajimoto's forehead, forcing him into his L serve formation which almost made him do a bridge. Flexible though he was, the L formation was detrimental to his health, and considering his situation, an added detriment to his sanity.

"DO THE CHICKEN DANCE OR WE'LL UNLEASH THIS BLACKMAILED REIJI'S DEEP IMPULSE ONTO YOU."

Kajimoto didn't have time to ponder on whether the voice sounded more like the Tanaka twins or his fukubuchou, Wakato, before a warning shot was served. True enough, it was Reiji's Deep Impulse, aimed towards the bucket which had magically appeared by his side.

He struggled to look up and mustered up a betrayed and enraged look, but Reiji had probably been blackmailed with secret and voyeuristic diary entries on Hanamura –sensei, it didn't take an idiot to figure out he had a crush. Also considering the fact that he announced it-

Then the music started.

He blinked.

"THE MORE SECONDS YOU DELAY, THE MORE ROUNDS OF CHICKEN DANCES. NOW DANCE!"

Kajimoto could feel the blood rushing to his upper body, and swallowed, he knew the dance fairly well but considering the circumstances…

His buchou powers left him and twitching, he reenacted a very poor and very pathetic chicken dance. Those strange western folk dances always were a mind boggle.

"NOW DO THE YMCA!"

"What?!"

"DANCE FOOL."

Another tennis ball lodged itself into another bucket, this time on his right side.

Needless to say, Kajimoto had to dance for another 10 minutes in his L formation before Hanamura-sensei stepped into the gym and ordered everything to stop.

A panting and perturbed buchou demanded an explanation when his regulars strolled casually down the stairs. Hanamura-sensei offered a single statement, "It helps with coordination, doesn't it?"

And she left, holding a palm tilted towards her mouth, cackling 'OHOHOHOHO!"

And chicken Kajimoto, with no coach to back his complaints, dragged his feathery butt home while the rest of his team mates high-fived each other and Wakato smirked secretly, patting the cover of the How To guide.

--

**A/N: This was quite haphazard, if we knew more than chicken scratch of Kajimoto, I bet this would turn out to be quite OOC. D: **

**Anyway, Ceru-chan was giving me some form of fangirl anger thing, because I'd tortured her Kajimoto. Well, that's the point of this right? Haha, be glad I didn't stuff a glove on his head, it'd make one hell of a comb. And I'm still peeved at her use of cuss words earlier.**

**(Ceru-chan: Cuss words have this… certain effect… that brought the point across more emphatically. As in, they (Atobe) were pissed off to the point of swearing. Anyways, this chappie might've worked better with Atobe… -ponders-… Let me just say that I didn't think we'd be uploading. I won't be, but if Kid-chan continues, then this ficcy won't be hiatised just yet… keep praying, folks, and keep reviewing though I probably can't reply them. Thirty days… -sigh-)**


	12. Named Concentration

**SEIGAKU: Tezuka Kunimitsu (buchou)****, Oishi Syuichirou (fukubuchou) **

**Method Used: Named Concentration (Game)**

**User of 'How To' Guide: Fuji Syuusuke**

­­­--

"I'm _bored_, Fujiko-chan!"

"Saa… why don't we play a game until the rain stops? I've got a new game I want to try out…"

"Nya, that sounds fun! Echizen-chan, Momo, Oiiiiishiiiiii!!"

"'ut 'oo you 'angck?!"

"Nobody knows what you just said, Momo-sempai. Swallow your food first."

-swallows- "I said, what do you want?"

"Let's play a game! Fujiko-chan has a game!"

"Somehow I feel worried…"

"Unyaaaa, Echizen-chin, play! You _must_ play!"

"E-eiji-ss-sempa-i… gerroff… can't… brea-eathe…"

"Oishi-sempai, help me get him off before Echizen suffocates!"

"Eiji, be careful! How is Echizen supposed to play with you if he's in hospital?!"

"_Ehhhh_?! But I didn't squish him _that_ hard –"

"He's still blue in the face… I believe his oxygen deficiency is mainly in the facial and cranial vessels, since Eiji appeared to have been applying pressure to the carotid artery –"

"… Indeed. Well, what were you going to talk to us about, Eiji?"

"…"

"Saa, I think Eiji's still knocked out from Inui's verbal diagnosis of Echizen. It isn't often he hears words like 'deficiency', 'cranial', 'pressure' and 'carotid' in the same sentence."

"… Yes, that could be it. Do you know what he wanted to tell us, Fuji?"

"What's going on here?"

"Ah, Tezuka! Have they decided if the games will still be played today, or if they'll be postponed?"

"They will be played today unless the weather worsens. What happened to Echizen?"

"Eto… Eiji… cut off his air supply for a moment…"

"Yudan sezu ni ikou."

"Yes, buchou."

"Echizen-chan, are you okay now? Okay? Great! Let's play!"

"Play what?"

"Fshhhh… I don't know what's going on…"

"That's because you weren't paying attention, Mamushi-yo."

"As if _you_ were. Fssshhh…"

"And what is _that_ supposed to mean, eh? Wanna take it outside, you idiot snake?!"

"It's _raining_ outside, peach-head."

"That's not the point –"

"Okay, okay, cool it you two. Eiji, explain."

"Nya, see, I told Fujiko-chan I was super-duper bored 'cause we're stuck in here, and he said he's got a game to try out, so we can play it and have fun until the rain stops!"

"Tezuka…?"

"Very well – as long as it is not detrimental to our physical condition."

"Don't worry, it isn't. Do you know how to play 'Concentration'?"

"Nya, I know! It's the one where we give ourselves numbers and clap our hands and say 'Concentration, Concentration, this is the game of Concentration' right?"

"Yes, that's the one. Do the rest of you know?"

"Yeah, it's sort of like the bombing game right? The one where we try to bomb other people by calling their group names, and if you don't respond when someone calls you, you lose?"

"Mm, it _is_ similar. Rather like the Seigaku Game too, because my version also requires actions…"

"So what is it like?"

"Well, instead of numbers or names, we can become… _things_."

"_Things_?! Like what?!"

"Hmm… a tennis racket, a dog, a tree, a notebook, an iPod… anything, really."

"… Uh-huh."

"Then instead of saying the name of the thing out loud, we act like it. We have to come up with a particular action to symbolize what we are, repeat it twice, then do someone else's twice. That person will do his own action twice –"

"Okay, okay, we _know_ how to do that. What symbol should I have, Echizen?"

"… a peach?"

"Nya, that's right! Momo's a peach!"

"But how do I come up with an action symbolizing 'peach'?!"

"Hmm… how about pretending to bite something?"

"Okay, that works, I suppose… Echizen, you'll have to be Ponta."

"I'd rather be a cat."

"Unya, _I'm_ the cat! For the action… ummm… cat-ears!"

"Fine, then I'll be… a cap."

"Well, we _all_ know how to imitate you tugging your cap, so that's good. Let's see… I'll be a –"

"Syringe."

"Bandage."

"First-aid kit."

"Hen!"

"…"

"It's because you're the one in charge of first-aid, Oishi."

"Yeah. And your family has doctors in it."

"How many people vote for 'hen' for Oishi, nya? One, two, three… okay! You're a hen, Oishi! We'll flap our wings for you!"

"…"

"I'll be –"

"_Inui juice_!!"

"Correct."

"D'uh… right, what do we do for Inui-sempai? Act dead?"

"_I_ think it's nice, Momo."

"Well, _we_, unfortunately, don't have your taste buds."

"Point. Dead it is. No, what about gagging?"

"Yeah, that works too."

"Kaidoh –"

"Fsshhh..."

"…. Snake, obviously. Let's just mimic his Snake Shot to make things easier… Taka-san?"

"Anou… I'd like to be shoyu…"

"Alright, so we pretend to dip something into a dish. I'll be an assassin."

"… That's really dangerous… plus it's _Fuji-sempai_…"

"Would you rather I was a drag queen, Momo?"

"E-eh no! Sorry! An assassin is great – really great!"

"… Mada mada dane, Momo-sempai…"

"Shut up. Do we have to pretend to kill ourselves?"

"That would be illogical. An assassin isn't suicidal; he's homicidal."

"… In simple Japanese would be fine, Inui. Even _I_ don't know what homicidal is."

"Simply, it means that instead of killing ourselves, we should pretend to kill someone else. I believe a mock stab towards whoever is seated opposite would suffice."

"Maa, that's fine by me. Tezuka? What do you want to be?"

"…"

"Buchou looks like he just drank Inui Juice…"

"Yeah…"

"Tezuka?"

"…"

"Can't think of anything? Oh, I know! You could be a rock!"

"…..."

"Don't you think it's a good idea? It's not even that hard; just act like you _normally_ do."

"..."

"I think buchou just died."

"Yeah. That last diss was too much for him."

"Heart rate – 62."

"Kami-sama, that's _dangerously_ low! Somebody get an ambulance! Fuji, what are you doing with that book?! Hurry up and help me carry Tezuka outside!"

--

And thus ended the game of 'Named Concentration', for whose sake Seigaku's almighty buchou died. His gravestone read as the follows:

Herein Lieth Tezuka Kunimitsu

Rendered Thus By The Moste Terrifyeing Of Games

'Named Concentration'

At The Hands Of His Moste Beloved Teammates

He Was Dealt Many Moste Fearsomme Blowes

And His Fragile Hearte Beate It's Laste

As His Minde Was Destroyedth.

His funeral was attended by buchous and fukubuchous of the tennis teams of several schools in the region. It was a sad, sad day, because they all knew they too had a high chance of ending up like that.

OWARI

--

THIS CHAPTER WAS WRITTEN BY MESMERIZEDBYCERULEANEYES

**A/N:**** Whoa, I can't believe I wrote a whole five pages… ah well, the more the merrier! And the epitaph is there for laughs since I have no idea how to use Olde Anglais (Old English. I hope you laugh at it. XD**

**HEYO everyone! We're back again after our exam and post-exam hiatus! Unfortunately the results were disappointing (well MINE were, dunno about Kid's) and I may not get the 10 subjects I want next year… Well, that's next year, and now's what counts – so I won't talk about that.**

**Do you like this style of writing? I actually used it because I was lazy and didn't feel like writing about the setting and all… but I hope you were still able to understand what was going on. Basically they were at a competition, it was raining, and Eiji was bored… and Tezuka died at the end. O.o Totally random ending, really.**

**I know it's pretty weird for me in include both Oishi and Tezuka, considering that we've never done two at a time and these two have both been done before, but Kid said it was fine with her and we're running out of candidates for torture. I didn't actually plan on adding Oishi, but somehow he got dissed along the way, and it was pretty bad, so I thought it could be sort of accredited to the 'How To' Guide.**

**Which reminds me – this is my little contribution to the list of Tezuka's birthday ficcies! Happy birthday, Tezuka Kunimitsu-kun, born 7****th**** October! (Shucks, I've missed so many birthdays! Frick it, I'll have to hurry and catch up… I know I've missed Atobe, Mizuki, Kirihara, and probably more… T.T)**

**Review please!**


	13. The Annoying Human Echoes I

**ROKKAKU: Saeki Kojirou (fukubuchou)**

**Method Used: Annoying Human Echo I**

**User of 'How To' Guide: Aoi Kentaro**

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"Does everyone get it?"

"Un!" A chorus of voices chimed in unison.

"Yosh! Let's start our training menu!" A certain overly enthusiastic Rokkaku buchou punched the air and jabbed a finger towards the door in a dramatic fashion. With an equally enthusiastic battle cry, the Rokkaku tennis team stampeded out of the clubhouse.

Oji sat on a bench with his back towards the window and made a small chuckle. He got up and made his way out of the clubhouse as well.

Saeki Kojirou, third-year student of Rokkaku and fukubuchou of its tennis team was supervising the non-regulars practice. He appeared to be slacking, but those who knew him would say differently – he always put his heart and soul into everything he attempted. Today the creases in his brow ruined his laidback look – he felt bad about missing the meeting but rested easy with the thought that Aoi would definitely fill him in on the details. Though he knew Aoi was somewhat young and inexperienced, he trusted Oji's choice and so far, the team was doing just fine.

He turned at the sound of the clubroom door slamming open while the regulars paraded out of the clubroom with rejuvenated oks. Saeki smiled to himself, Aoi's influence worked wonders on the team's low morale every time. Lately he had been having doubts that Aoi's influence was fading but hearing the 'nande' back in Itsuki's sentences and the puns back in Davide's conversations after a month of dead faces (he had long ago convinced himself the summer heat had turned them all into zombies), he was glad Aoi hadn't let him down.

He only wished he had been there to get the 'Aoi Recharge' as well. He'd been feeling as dead as he could get, just a push more, something extra stressful to his brain and he'd be flying off the edge in no time.

Boy, when you think about this in a third person view, the whole situation suddenly becomes ironic. To the max.

"Hey guys, how was the meeting?" he called out as the team began their laps. He knew he was excused for the time being but later he would have to begin his training menu as well.

"Hey guys. How was the meeting?"

"Hey guys."

"The meeting…meeting…"

A strange echo of his speech filled his ears until his mind was echoing with his question. He couldn't recognize the voice "Ah, who said that?"

"Who said what?" Bane inquired, thoroughly confused. Saeki paused, he was sure that…no, it couldn't be. "The meeting was fine. I'll tell you the new training menu later." Bane gave a wave, which Saeki returned weakly.

Then Saeki heard a strange 'Thok'. His trained ears told him that a non-regular had failed to hit the sweet spot and the ball had bounced off the frame. He turned back to the courts and sighed. "Tokito!" he called to the sheepish bespectacled boy apologizing furiously to his opponent while attempting to locate the stray ball. "Fix your –SHIT!" He was going to say stance. Really, he was.

He just…sort of slipped on a puddle of sweat. Or water. The non-regulars had a water fight again, he thought, steadying himself. He'd reprimand them later.

"F-fix my…wha?" Tokito was bewildered, he looked like he was about to burst into tears. The boy had always been weak-hearted.

"FIX YOUR SHIT...FIX YOUR SHIT…"

"YOUR SHIT, TOKITO!" There! The eerie whispers were back!

"Tokito, fix your stance!" Aoi called out, beaming at the relieved boy who hadn't seemed to have heard the whispering echoing in Saeki's mind.

Saeki twitched and spun round, desperately trying to locate where those whispers where coming from… but all he saw was the regulars, running a fair distance away from him on their third lap around the neighborhood. Davide waved at him and called out "Saikou no Psycho!"( not unkindly) and, predictably, snorted. Bane kicked him on the head and Davide lurched forward, only regaining his balance when Bane caught him with one arm (guilty conscience) before dashing ahead again (more pragmatic side).

"Eheh. Heh." Saeki weakly mumbled. Maybe Davide was on to something, he had been feeling rather strange since this morning.

Uh…

Saeki blinked, it was normal all around him and nobody appeared to be doing anything out of the ordinary.

Uh…

Uh…

"Saeki, you're twitching," Ryou helpfully supplemented, completing his fifth round. "Not healthy!" he called over his shoulder.

"A switch for the twitch." Davide's follow-up did nothing to improve Saeki's mood. Aoi, always sympathetic, suggested that he drink some water as he ran past his frazzled fukubuchou.

Saeki nodded weakly in reply, flashbacks of his childhood and less than pleasant memories of Fuji and his cruel and unusual ways of having fun rushed into his brain. He couldn't let a few mere tricks of the mind get the better of him, he had experienced summers with Fuji, for crap's sake!

No offence to him, of course.

Wait, maybe FUJI was behind all this. It all made sense now! The water, the cussing, the echoes…he was down with a severe case of FUJITITIS.

Then Saeki felt a sharp pain to the back of his head and the world went black and swirly and all that kind of thing. Oblivion was, at this point, much kinder than consciousness.

Oji climbed down from the tree he was sitting in and tapped the tennis racket on Saeki's skull. "Ah," he said, hooking the handle of the racket onto Saeki's collar and dragging him to the clubhouse. The first-years stopped to stare at their unconscious vice-captain being hauled into the clubhouse by their frail coach, but Aoi promptly told them to get back to practice.

"Nande? Why is Saeki being dragged into the clubhouse?"

"Ah, I don't get it either. Maybe it had something to do with the 'voices' he's been hearing?"

"Saeki's been hearing voices? Man he is really overworked."

"Still, that's some show huh?"

"Yup."

"Definitely."

"I agree."

Meanwhile, way in front of the team, Aoi's eyes were glinting evilly as he set off on his 10th lap. That's what you get, Saeki, he thought, for putting me in a straitjacket... .AND NOT VISITING THE ASYLUM FOR A WEEK! So many padded cells, so cold, so alone, so utterly crammed with madness…

He made a note to himself to thank Oji for his assistance and cackled to himself while the rest of the team shot freaked out looks to his back.

Aoi just kept running and cackling. The team, too, could suffer for NOT VISITING HIM IN THE ASYLUM.

Somewhere, in the corner of Fuji's locker in the Seigaku tennis clubhouse, the 'How To' guide mourned over the loss of page 221.

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THIS CHAPTER WAS WRITTEN BY KID9535

**A/N****: I screwed this up. I really did. I have no mottiivaattiooonn. AND I HAVEN'T COMPLETED MY HOLIDAY HOMEWORK. SOMEONE QUICK! SHOOT MEEEEEE!!!**

**Originally, I first thought of this when I was completely bored in a plane and my parents thought I was nuts when I randomly went 'OMG I HAVE IT! I'VE GOT IT! I'M A GENIUS!!!!! AHAHAHAHAHA' and scribbled the first part down until I hit a mental block. IT WAS ALL GOING SO WELL, then I realised I couldn't end it properly. (It's one of THOSE ideas.) I wrapped it up really badly and really hurriedly, you can tell, it's 2.43am right now. Then i****n the bathroom over the past few days, I kept thinking I should amend this idea, change it to Yamabuki! Change it to Sengoku! Is what my brain keeps telling me. So I shall. FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER. (Because I was already finishing this one)**

**But we will wait for ceru-chan's next installment**** first, patiently, like good little readers. Please review.**

_**(Ceru-chan: No they won't… they'll put me in the Iron Maiden and squish my eyeballs out 'cause I STILL haven't written my chapter… -dies-)**_


	14. Love Confession

**HYOTEI: Oshitari Yuushi (fukubuchou)**

**Method Used: Love Confession**

**User of 'How To' Guide: Hiyoshi Wakashi**

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Yuushi's game against Gakuto was going well. He was leading by two games at 5-3; match point wasn't too long in coming. Of course, Gakuto wasn't going to be very happy about losing, but Yuushi would just have to make it up to him. Perhaps let him choose a movie to watch together instead of the usual feel-good sappy romance flicks Yuushi preferred.

Theirs was the last game of the day, Atobe having beaten Shishido 6-2 not ten minutes ago and the rest having finished before them. And so, most of the team was currently standing around the court watching the match with varying degrees of enthusiasm. Jirou was sound asleep and slung over Kabaji's back. Choutarou was comforting his Shishido-san after his defeat by Atobe, while Hiyoshi stood near the court, a thoughtful look on his face.

Everything was happening as he'd expected… until there was the sudden sound of footsteps behind him. Yuushi couldn't afford to turn and see who it was, not when it was match point – he didn't want the game to drag!

Outside the court, Atobe frowned. "Hiyoshi, what are you doing in there? Come out at once."

Ah, so it was Hiyoshi. Yuushi ran forward to retrieve an unexpected drop shot from Gakuto – only to find his way barred by the intruder. Distracted, he tried to shove the second-year aside, but the smaller boy was surprisingly immovable. "Sempai!"

"What?" Yuushi stretched his arm; the ball grazed the edge of his racket before rolling off – onto his side of the court.

"30-40," announced Taki, their referee.

"Damn," muttered the blunette. He'd been thinking of letting Gakuto drag him to the ice cream parlor; at this rate it'd be closed by the time they got there…

"_Sempai_!" repeated Hiyoshi, louder this time. "I've got something important to tell you!"

"What the hell is Hiyoshi doing in there?" demanded Shishido. "Somebody go haul him out!"

Atobe let out an exaggerated sigh. "Why don't _you_ go, loser?"

The brunette was not flattered. "I'm _not_ a loser! How dare you –"

"Shishido-san, calm down," soothed Choutarou. "You're not a loser."

"Well…" Shishido looked rather miffed at this. "If _you_ say so…" Atobe snorted noncommittally. Jirou snored.

"I'VE GOT SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO TELL YOU, YUUSHI-SEMPAI!!!" yelled Hiyoshi, obviously pissed at having to shout so much to get everyone's attention.

Now it was Yuushi's turn to sigh. "Yes, yes, I got you the first time. _What_ is this very important something that requires you to interrupt my match with Gakuto?"

"I…" Hiyoshi looked down, looking vaguely embarrassed. "I… I think…"

"Get on with it," said Yuushi patiently.

The younger boy suddenly developed a great interest in his shoelaces and what sounds were produced when his toes rubbed together. "Um… I think…"

"Yes?" prompted the blunette.

"Good Kami-sama, I didn't know he could think," muttered Gakuto, almost inaudibly, as he got ready to serve.

"I think… I LIKE YOU!!" Hiyoshi exploded, and quickly ducked.

Yuushi was frozen in shock, standing in the middle of the court near the net., and Gakuto's serve hit him square on the forehead. He keeled over backwards, thudding to the ground like a fallen tree.

"Oh shit, I'm _so_ sorry Yuushi!" cried Gakuto, easily jumping over the net and kneeling next to his partner; the rest of the team was already hurrying over. "Hell, Hiyoshi; you bastard! I meant to hit _you_!" he exclaimed.

Hiyoshi leaned over the dazed blunette, smiling evilly. "Gekokujyou, _Yuushi-sempai_."

No one had noticed the inconspicuous volume he had in his bag. Not even Yuushi, who had a copy of the same book himself.

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OMAKE

"Ne Yuushi?"

"Mm?"

"Hiyoshi doesn't really like you, does he?"

"…No, I wouldn't think so."

"So it was all a trick?"

"Yes."

"Man, I thought I could gloat over him if he really did like you…"

"…Gakuto, that's just like a girl."

"Shut up, Yuushi."

"Okay. I think the ice cream parlor's still open."

OWARI

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THIS CHAPTER WAS WRITTEN BY MESMERMIZEDBYCERULEANEYES

**A/N: Okay, so here's my chappie! ****Looks like we're done with Hyotei now T.T Please review!**

**P.S. Sorry for the very long delay… both Kid and I were busy, plus I had some medical problems for which computer was not a prescription… Anyways, we should be updating more often from now on! ^^ Once again, please review!**


	15. Violation II, or Musical Belts

**YAMABUKI: Sengoku Kiyosumi (fukubuchou)**

**Method Used: Violation II, a.k.a. Musical Belts**

**User of 'How To' Guide: Fuji Syuusuke**

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When one wished to find Sengoku Kiyosumi, also known as Lucky Sengoku, one didn't often have to look very hard. If he wasn't at home, at school, or at tennis practice, it was more likely than not that he was at the most happening social event of the day. Usually, this meant that he was out clubbing or something of the sort. He also had a tendency to drag random acquaintances into whatever activity he wished to partake in when faced with a shortage of people.

Fuji Syuusuke wasn't normally one who frequented such places as karaoke joints and night hotspots. Besides, most people knew better than to invite him – he always stole all the limelight (along with all the girls), and he often made sure to humiliate whoever had forced him to come, whether during the party or the next time they met. Holding a grudge was an art form for him.

Suffice it to say, the first time Sengoku tried his luck at dragging the blue-eyed tensai into a karaoke party was also the last. Fuji had successfully destroyed the orange-haired boy's reputation and dating prospects, all in one night.

But that wasn't enough. Not for Fuji Syuusuke.

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"Eh?" Tachibana looked surprised. "Yes, my sister _did_ say she was going to be attending the opening party of that new entertainment place… what's the name again… Ah yes, it was called Ego, if I remember correctly. Why do you ask?"

Fuji just smiled. "Saa… no real reason. Where is she?"

"Now? She's probably at home," replied the dark-haired boy. "Let me call and check."

The tensai waited patiently as Tachibana dialed home. "Hello? An? Good, you're home. Fuji-kun wants to talk to you about something. Would you mind if… oh, okay. Right. Mm. I'll tell him. Ja."

Ending the call, he turned to Fuji. "Would it be too much trouble to visit our home? She has only just arrived back from cram school –"

"Oh, it's fine," Fuji reassured him. "I was heading that way in any case. Enjoy your tennis practice!"

"Wait, Fuji –" began Tachibana, but the small brunette had vanished just as fast as he'd appeared. "Weird guy," he muttered to himself, heading back to join his team.

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"Come one, come all! Welcome! Welcome to the opening of Ego, the best place to relax and have fun in Tokyo!" cried the man standing outside Ego to wave customers in. One could almost hear the strain in his vocal cords, having been doing this for the past half an hour or so. "The best games, songs, food and beverages, all under one roof! Everything is at 50 percent discount, for today only! What are you waiting for? Come on in!"

"Thank you for your hard work," Fuji said under his breath, so quietly that the man probably didn't hear him over all the hustle and bustle.

An glanced at him in puzzlement, but didn't comment. "Let's see if Sengoku-kun is here yet, shall we?"

They headed in, following the rest of the crowd to a particularly large karaoke room. It was obviously intended for big parties. It didn't take them long to locate an orange head in the middle of a group of girls.

"Ah, he's here. As expected." Fuji smiled. It had an oddly creepy quality to it.

"So he is, ne?" An laughed, a tad nervously. "Well, I'll leave you to talk to him. I think I see my friends here too." She lost no time in putting a significant distance between herself and the tensai.

Fuji didn't pay her any mind, instead heading for the person who looked like the emcee of the party. "Good evening, Emcee-san."

The lady glanced at him once, probably about to shoo him away, then took a second look and smiled gratifyingly. "Why, what a beauty you are! Is there anything I may help you with?"

A slow smile spread across his face. "I have a suggestion for a game…"

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"Are you enjoying yourselves?" called the emcee with the bouncy cheerfulness that is mandatory for all emcees.

"_Yes~_!" shouted the crowd.

"I-can't-HEAR- you!" she sang. "_Are you enjoying yourselves_?!"

"_YES_!!"

"That's better! Now, we will start a new game! An anonymous customer suggested it, and we found it _very_ interesting! Everyone, get ready for… _Musical belts_!" The key motif from Beethoven's Symphony No. 5 in C minor punctuated her last words – i.e. "Musical belts! _Dadadadaaaaaaaaaaaan_…"

There was a collective murmur of confusion and intrigue throughout the room. "Musical belts? You ever hear of it? I haven't... well, it sounds like it might be fun…"

"Girls and guys, everyone wearing belts, please form a circle in the middle of the room!"

Fuji was, conveniently, wearing tight jeans that didn't require a belt.

"Alright, now everyone _else_ who _isn't_ wearing a belt, form a circle _around_ them!"

The tensai joined in with the rest, placing himself such that he could see Sengoku but the other boy couldn't see him.

"Right, so this is going to be like musical chairs. We all know how musical chairs work, ne? Except that for _this_, instead of sitting down when the music stops –" Pop music, which had been playing in the background all this time, suddenly went silent "— everyone in the _outer_ circle has to grab a belt! If you don't manage to get hold of one, then you're _out_!"

Now that the game had been explained, the murmurs rippling through the throng sounded more enthusiastic and even slightly scandalized. The emcee continued, "This means that we must have less people in the inner circle than the outer one! If you don't think you feel up to having a cute girl or boy hanging onto your belts, I will have to ask you to leave the inner circle! Of course, people in the inner circle do not get prizes, and there will be less of you each round. I will count down from _five_…"

Only three people (as far as Fuji could see) had left the inner circle by the time she'd reached zero. "Okay, now that everyone's ready, let the game _begin_!"

Bouncy J-pop music started playing, a catchy song by the famous Ayumi Hamasaki. The outer circle, populated mainly by girls, started to move, the girls swaying and sashaying in time to the music as they walked around the inner circle, which was mostly made up of guys.

Fuji had little trouble moving with the crowd, always keeping Sengoku in sight. The first time the music stopped, he happened to be standing near a girl wearing a decorative leather belt, and claimed his place easily as the losers moaned and dropped out of the game. The ushers pulled people out from the inner circle, and Fuji stepped back into place with a smile at the blushing girl. Then they were off again.

It took three rounds for him to get to Sengoku. When he did, the orange-haired boy's face lost all its color. "… Fuji Syuusuke?!"

"The same," answered the tensai with a wicked smile. The music stopped, and Fuji effortlessly fended off a girl aiming for Sengoku to take hold of the other boy's belt himself.

"Wh-what –" Sengoku was clearly at a loss of what to say, vulnerable as he was at that point with his manhood inches from the grinning brunette's hand.

Fuji smiled even more broadly. "Hmm… violation is much easier than one would think, ne?" His hand twitched, and the taller boy tensed.

Then the music started again, and the tensai moved off with a final sadistic smirk over his shoulder. As he neared the door, he discreetly ducked out of the circle, vanishing into the increasingly rowdy and intoxicated crowd.

The game assistants were highly baffled by the flustered orange-haired boy who demanded them to let him leave the game. When asked for the reason, he told them, "I got violated.'

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OMAKE

"Eh? Sengoku-san has stopped clubbing?" Momoshiro stared at An, wide-eyed. "Are you sure?! There's _got_ to be a mistake somewhere!"

An only shrugged in reply. In her mind's eye, though, the image of Fuji Syuusuke's creepy smile flashed repeatedly, and she had to suppress a shudder.

OWARI

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THIS CHAPTER WAS WRITTEN BY MESMERIZEDBYCERULEANEYES

**A/N: This**** has got to be one of the weirdest things I have ever written, in this fic or outside it.**


	16. The Annoying Human Echoes II

**YAMABUKI: Minami Kentarou (buchou)**

**Method Used: The Annoying Human Echoes II**

**User of 'How To' Guide: Sengoku Kiyosumi**

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"Kentarou Minami…" Sengoku muttered, scrutinizing the photo of the Yamabuki team captain. "A formidable opponent, he'll be a tough egg to crack." He tilted the laminated photo of their buchou smiling proudly at them towards the light of the afternoon sun that streamed through the high window on the wall behind him.

"Un, he and Higashikata-fukubuchou aren't known as 'dull' for nothing," Kita said, nodding gravely.

"Consult _the book?_" Touji whispered darkly, the others drew back in surprise. "It's sure to have a section on 'boring people'. The 'normies', you know?"

"Hm, it's worth a shot, though I doubt we'll have the resources to carry out the plan, let's choose a small-scale one," Sengoku replied, thumbing through the contents page of the revered 'How To' guide. "Ahah! Here, the 'Annoying Human Echo'!"

"No, no this won't work, we'll have to get someone to follow buchou around, meaning he'll be directly exposed to the fury of his 'buchou-ness'! We'll have to pick someone willing to get punished for a few quick laughs, and someone in the least bit peppy." Kita supplied, leaning heavily against the wooden table.

"Or better yet…someone without a risk of getting punished…someone not connected to us…someone-"

"Good afternoon, everyone! Sempai-tachi are so hard-working, desu. If only Dan was as hard-working," the small first year piped up as he flung the clubroom door open, light flooded the building and illuminated the enlightened faces of Dan's sempais. "Dan would do anything he could to help…"

"Sengoku-sempai," Touji said, a grin spreading wide across his face.

"Uhn," Sengoku nodded vigorously, tears threatening to flow out in euphoria. 'This is it!' They thought unanimously, 'The answer!'

And poor, innocent Dan simply stood in the doorway and cocked his head to the side at his sempais' tears, 'Eh?'

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Dan had a mission. A very important mission, he was told – to regain some of buchou's lost humanity. He thought it was a rather noble idea but wasn't sure why they couldn't accomplish it themselves – after all, he had explained to them, bowing his head to look at his shoes, he was just a lowly kouhai who wasn't strong enough.

He had felt this warm hand on his head and looked up with glimmering eyes to his smiling sempai. "I know you can do this," Sengoku-sempai had said. "I believe in you, I trust you." Oh, his beloved sempais were always looking out for him… surely accomplishing a task such as this could help to repay them some?

Unfortunately for Dan, he never saw the evil spirit sprouting from behind Sengoku's head, and or its evil cackle. Thus, he began the most important mission of his relatively short lifetime.

Training Minami-buchou.

'It won't be easy,' he had been warned. 'Minami-buchou's a tough egg to crack, but you have to hold firm to your resolution and you can't ever give up, remember, this is for the good of him, the tennis team, and our school!'

Dan nodded to assure himself; he would definitely carry out this plan with ease.

Spotting the boy with the spiky hair, Dan made his way over to where Minami-buchou was.

"You, over there! Get moving!" Minami yelled at the second year non-regular who was dawdling at the rest benches, practise was about to begin and all the other non-regulars were already on the tracks.

Dan took a deep breath. "You, over there!" Minami blinked, was he hearing things? "Get moving!"

Minami figured it must just be Higashikata ordering another non-regular to stop slacking off. He took no note of it and began to inspect the non-regulars practise. Somewhere around the corner, Sengoku winked at Dan who smiled nervously back. Kita gave him a thumbs-up and Touji just snickered.

"Adjust your position! Spread your legs wider apart! You need a firmer grip than that!" Minami pointed at Ginta who immediately readjusted his position and returned the serve.

Dan licked his lips and mustered up his best 'buchou' voice. "Adjust your _position_! Spread your _legs_ _wider_ apart! You need a firmer grip than _that_!" Sengoku choked on his spit, Kita choked on air and Touji was trying hard not to suffocate.

Minami paused. And blinked. He could have sworn he heard…

Someone. Was. Behind. Him.

Well, whoever that was, he was getting _so many laps_, he'd-

"Good morning, Minami-buchou," Dan intoned cheerfully. "It's a nice weather we're having, don't you think so, desu?"

Minami opened his mouth, then snapped it shut, then opened it again, he was beginning to look more and more like a goldfish. No, no, what was Dan doing here? Did he even know he was insulting him? Wait, this is Dan we're talking about, he told himself, calm down; it couldn't possibly have been him.

However, he was unable to reply Dan just yet, still bewildered by the weirdness that seemed to befall him. Maybe it was something he ate? So he gave him a curt nod and spun back round to observe the matches. In the distance, a large hand clamped over Sengoku's shoulder and he could almost feel the daggers shooting out of Akutsu's eyes into his head.

He slowly turned round, smiling with forced cheer. "Welcome to the party!"

Back to Minami's issue, he still couldn't figure out where the voice was coming from. Every time he called out, someone would echo him right back, and all he saw when he turned around was Dan.

It couldn't be Dan, could it?

He might as well try asking, seeing as how he would lose his mind soon anyway.

"Dan, have you been copying me?" Minami asked carefully.

Dan bit his lip, he knew how to do this, he knew how to do this, he told himself over and over. He rehearsed this at least 15 times in front of the bathroom mirror last night. All for Minami-buchou, he thought, all for him. "Uh-hm!" He cheerfully nodded.

Minami was taken aback, he narrowed his eyes, no matter how cute Dan might be, he had to punish him for insulting a sempai, even if it was unintentional. Plus, he was slacking off. "Dan, you-"

"Hm?" Dan asked, grinning. (This is the cliché part where shoujo bubbles surround the super-cute character and the other less-cute characters are blinded by his awesome cuteness such that they can't stand it and can't do anything against it. In other words, TOTAL DEFEAT.)

"NevermindI'mjustgoingtogolockmyselfinaroomforathousandyears,nobodycallmeunlesswewinthenationals…" Minami-buchou muttered, quickly glancing away before he was further sucked in.

"Hm? Did you say something, desu?"

"Eh, no. Uh, why are you copying me?"

"Special training! It was recommended by," Dan paused and frowned, he recalled what Sengoku sempai had said, 'Don't, under any circumstances, mention our names, we had nothing to do with this. This is all for the good of Minami-buchou. We are innocent.' "Someone close." He finished lamely.

Minami-buchou was still very disoriented by Dan's unleashing of his cuteness so he bought it.

Somewhere else around a corner, Akutsu cracked his knuckles. "If you make that boy cry, he'll come to me first, and that's annoying. So…"

"Okay, okay we get it!" Sengoku yelled, holding his hands in front of him. "We'll tell him to stop." Akutsu glanced at him warily. "After practice," Sengoku finished.

"This is for your own good, Minami-buchou," Dan pronounced each syllable slowly. "It'll improve your tennis."

"HOW?" Minami yelled, only to have that word echoed back into his mind through means of a strange looking device Dan had attached to him and which he apparently couldn't remove by himself.

"It helps in concentration and focus and it also teaches endurance. Pretty smart, huh? Se-" Dan slipped, oh, no, he said not so say, "Uh, se_mpa_i, taught me."

Luckily, Minami was still too preoccupied with his battle for sanity to hear Dan.

And while all this was going on, Dan was yanked away by a strong arm. "Ack, did I do something wrong, desu?"

"No, no you did perfectly, except your sempai loves you _too_ much, and is worried for your well-being," Sengoku smiled cheerfully, pointing discriminatingly at Akutsu's towering frame.

"Ah, Akutsu-sempai, thank you for your concern, but I was just helping Minami-buchou to overcome his inner demons, desu."

"Ah," came Akutsu's monosyllabic answer.

Sengoku, Kita and Touji admired their handiwork channelled through Dan. "He'll kill us for sure if he ever finds out," Kita stated.

"Well then we'll just have to convince him that this was all a bad dream," Touji replied.

"How?"

"I can make that happen," Sengoku grinned at them, lofting his tennis racket in one hand, he lobbed the bright green tennis ball over.

Minami fell easily and the padded courts muffled the thump his body made when it connected with the ground.

Somewhere inside one of the regular's lockers, the sound of the 'How to' guide flopping over echoed in the dimly lit locker room.

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THIS CHAPTER WAS WRITTEN BY KID9595

**A/N: Sorry this was sooo late. And also, sorry for getting the fact that Sengoku isn't a superior wrong, MBC said something about he being there to help Minami-buchou register or something and only superiors can be there. Well I dunno.**

I picture Dan to be the sort that no living being on earth can harm. It would be like kicking a puppy.

HAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Ryoma kicks puppies, arrest him officers!


	17. Weightloss Progrramme

**HYOTEI: Atobe Keigo (buchou)**

**Method Used: Weight Loss Program**

**User of 'How To' Guide: Oshitari Yuushi**

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When Atobe walked into the regulars' clubroom, silence fell. Pleased, he was about to launch into another of his self-glorifying speeches when he realized that the silence was not actually silence – the regulars were staring at him, whispering among themselves and nudging each other, obviously intending to say something but not daring to.

There was a short but heated exchange between them all, from which Atobe heard a distinct "_You_ tell him yourself!", before Shishido finally stepped bravely forward. "Atobe, you're fat," he announced.

"Shishido-san, that's not very nice," protested Choutarou weakly.

Atobe gave Shishido his best death glare. "Ore-sama is _not_ fat. Do not talk nonsense in Ore-sama's presence."

"But you _are_ fat," insisted Gakuto, coming up beside him and stretching a leg up to the buchou's shoulder in a show of flexibility. "Kami-sama, your wrist is the size of my _thigh_ and you still say you're not fat!"

This time, the silver-haired boy looked a bit shaken. "Ore-sama is _not_ fat," he repeated, though with less conviction. As if to reassure himself, he added, "Na, Kabaji?"

Kabaji was silent.

Atobe frowned. "_Na_, Kabaji?" he asked again, more demandingly.

Kabaji stayed silent, now beginning to break out in cold sweat.

The buchou stewed for another five seconds under the riveted gazes of his teammates, then pivoted gracefully on his heel and strode from the room. As the door slammed shut behind him, the regulars exchanged glances. "That went well," commented Gakuto.

"I still don't think it's alright to make Atobe-san so worried," worried Choutarou, eyes anxious.

"Don't worry. Atobe will be fine; he just needs to lighten up," Shishido reassured his kouhai. "Let's check what we're supposed to do next, shall we? By the way – good job, Kabaji."

"Usu," said the giant, obviously relieved that he could finally say what he wanted to say.

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Atobe shut himself into his personal dressing room, which was lined with mirrors. "'Fat'?" he repeated aloud to himself. "Huh. Those idiots must have something wrong with their eyes…"

Catching sight of one of his many reflections, he walked up close to that particular mirror and held up his arm. "Gakuto's thigh…?" For some reason, his imagination was running wild, and his wrist suddenly looked a lot larger. "Oh hell, it can't be true!"

He took a few deep breaths to calm himself. When his wrists had sufficiently deflated, he threw open the door, preparing to march back to the clubroom and declare his un-fat status…

…only to come face-to-face with his fukubuchou, Oshitari. The blunette's gaze flicked from his face to his feet and back again before meeting his buchou's eyes. "So it's true… Gakuto –"

"No. Stop. Don't tell me." Atobe cut him off swiftly, whirling around and slamming the door behind him yet again. He raised his hand to his eye level again – surely, surely it couldn't be true…? Once more, his arms seemed to balloon; glancing into a mirror, he found that his entire body seemed to have swollen. Trying to put his fingers around his wrist, he found to his horror that they somehow just wouldn't meet…

He was fat. There was no getting around it. Shishido, Gakuto, Yuushi… even _Kabaji_ thought that he was fat. And Kabaji would never lie to him.

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Yuushi walked into the clubroom and was immediately swarmed over by the eager regulars. "What happened? Did he freak out? Did you see?" they clamored.

The blunette adjusted his spectacles. "I met him outside his room, just as planned. And yes, he freaked out; yes, I saw."

"This is going to be _so_ fun!" crowed Shishido, high-fiving Gakuto.

"Yeah!" added the redhead, the two of them in one of their rare moments of agreement.

Choutarou bit his lip. 'But I still think it's pretty mean…"

Yuushi ignored him, instead clapping Kabaji on the back. "Good work, Kabaji. Now, remember your part-time job?"

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Atobe's hallucinations were becoming worse. It wasn't every day that he saw weight-loss service pamphlets declaring that 'If your hand suddenly seems too heavy to flip your hair, fret no more!' in bold purple print. Yes, he was definitely losing his mind. This whole 'fat' thing was seriously getting to him.

He gripped the table in an effort to stabilize himself. No, he couldn't afford to lose his mind now. The final exams were coming up. The King of Hyotei would never let it be said that his grades – or his physique - were less than perfect.

First and foremost, the pamphlet seemed to be real. He picked it up with shaking hands, skimming through its contents quickly. A frown creased his perfect – if fat – forehead, before he reached for his cell phone.

Desperate times called for desperate measures, after all.

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"Hello, Fuji. Has Atobe called yet?"

"Why, Oshitari-kun, he just did so not five minutes ago. Shall I go ahead with Plan A?"

"Thank you. I'd appreciate that."

"Remember, I want publishing rights on the photos and videos."

"Certainly."

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Expecting a gym trainer of some sort, Atobe had arranged to meet the person from the 'slimming centre' at his personal gym. When the knock came and he went to greet his 'trainer', though, the silver-haired diva got a eyeful of something he'd always wanted to see but had never had the chance to before.

Echizen Ryoma was standing outside his door, looking perfectly _luscious_ in cat ears, paws and tail, complete with dark outlines around his green eyes and an adorably sulky pout on his face. A sign hanging around his neck proclaimed, "If you can catch me, my ass is yours" in bright purple letters.

Oh yes, it was definitely the stuff of his dreams.

Atobe's eyes narrowed. When Ryoma took a step back, perhaps out of fear from the predatory look on the diva's face, he reached out to pounce… only to miss as the younger boy fled with the speed of a deer before hunting hounds. Atobe, naturally, gave chase.

"_Karupin_, _Karupin_, _Karupin_," chanted Ryoma under his breath like a mantra as he ran from the rabid Atobe. He would have to play the role the sadistic tensai had assigned him to perfection to get his precious cat back.

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_Click. Click. Whirrr… Click._

He would have to subject the photos he was taking to a severe quality control later on, but for now, Fuji was just snapping happily away at the altogether ridiculous and amusing sight before him. It was comprised of a cat-costumed Ryoma (he'd always known it would suit him well) and the King of Hyotei, whose dignity and poise lay in the dust. His eyes were determined, focused lustfully on the younger boy as he panted after him.

These photos would definitely be the blackmail material of his dreams.

_Click._ "Thanks, Oshitari-kun."

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The sun was setting when Atobe finally caught up with Ryoma. "…Your… ass… is mine," he gasped out, eyes beginning to glaze over.

Miraculously, Ryoma could still remember Fuji's orders even through his exhaustion. Gathering the last of his strength, he slapped the silver-haired diva's hand away from his person. "No! I don't want you – you're too _fat_!"

Atobe froze, shell-shocked. _FAT_._ You're too fat… too fat… too fat… _The accusation echoed in his mind, over and over, relentlessly stabbing into him.

Seeing the opportunity arise, the cat-costumed boy quickly made his escape. _Karupin, I'm coming to save you!_

A few minutes later, Atobe returned to his senses, only to find himself alone. He clenched his fists. The King of Hyotei would not let things end like this. Reaching for his phone, he dialed the 'slimming centre' hotline. "Hello, this is Atobe speaking. I want the most extreme slimming measure you have."

"Are you sure, Atobe-sama?" inquired the female voice, sounding rather anxious. "It may not be what you expect…"

"Yes, I'm sure," replied the diva firmly. "At the same place, tomorrow at 9 a.m. will be good."

"As you wish, Atobe-sama." There was a click as the call ended.

Atobe smiled grimly to himself. After this, surely no one would be able to call him fat.

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An evil cackle sounded in the bushes as Fuji replayed the video (with sound) of Ryoma slapping Atobe away._"No! I don't want you – you're too _fat_!"_

Yes indeed, the little Echizen had done well. If used well, this material might just get him a good-sized portion of the Atobe family fortune.

His thoughts were interrupted by an angry yowl from his bag. It seemed that the drugs he'd used to put Karupin to sleep for the day had worn off. He gathered the bag and his camera up carefully, making his way out of the bushes. He'd better get the cat back to Echizen if he didn't want to get shredded by the both of them.

In any case, they'd served their purpose well.

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The next day dawned bright and sunny. Atobe was in a similarly cheerful mood – today he was definitely going to shed his status as _fat_, with the help of that slimming agency. And once _that_ was taken care of, he'd go after Echizen Ryoma again. The boy would cave in to the awesomeness of Atobe's prowess. He waited impatiently for a knock on his door.

When the aforementioned knock finally came, the diva almost – almost – leaped to his feet and sprang to answer it. The sight that greeted him could nearly compete with the vision of Ryoma in a cat costume. His jaw landed ungracefully on the floor as his eyes bugged.

"_Kabaji_?!"

The other boy, clad in tracksuit pants without a shirt, nodded. "Usu."

"What are _you_ doing here?" demanded Atobe.

"Usu," replied Kabaji, pointing at the placard on his chest. It declared, "If I catch you, your ass is mine" in large purple block letters.

Atobe's already huge eyes widened even more, his eyeballs threatening to pop out of their sockets. "Kabaji… why?"

"Part-time… job." Kabaji looked back at him, his dark eyes pure innocence.

The silver-haired boy closed his eyes for a second, then realized that his friend was starting towards him. His eyelids flew open as he searched frantically for an exit.

He could not afford to lose this race.

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Outside the gym, the Hyotei regulars had hid under some of the herbage. Needless to say, they were doing untold damage to Atobe's precious rosebushes – not that any of them cared.

"Ah! Oh Kami-sama, I'm so sorry!"

"What's wrong, Choutarou?"

"I'm sorry, Rose-san, I really didn't mean to break you…"

"…"

Well, perhaps Choutarou cared.

Yuushi stiffened. "He's coming. Heads down, everyone."

The warning was delivered in the nick of time – the very next second, a window uncomfortably close to them smashed open. Before the glass could finish cracking, someone leapt out, stumbling as he landed, and started running away from the gym. Seconds later, a much larger person followed, quickly gaining on his prey.

Shishido whistled in appreciation. "Wow, Kabaji managed to get Atobe _this_ scared?"

"Never knew he had it in him," agreed Gakuto, shading his eyes as he watched the fast-disappearing figure of their buchou.

"Gekokujyou," put in Hiyoshi, just for effect. Choutarou, meanwhile, was busy worrying about the rosebushes.

Deciding that they ought to get a move on, Yuushi stood up and dusted himself off. "Okay, the show here is over. Shall we go?"

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"Yamazaki, I want my car now! The golf course at the back, at the double!" barked Atobe into his cell phone, still running as though his life depended on it.

"Yes, sir. It will be done immediately," replied his chauffeur.

Ending the call, Atobe missed the dull thud on the opposite side of the line.

He continued towards the aforementioned golf course, relaxing somewhat. Once he was in his car, his chances of evading Kabaji would be significantly higher… And there was the car! Atobe made for it, relief giving him an additional burst of speed.

Just as he reached it, the driver's door opened and Kabaji stepped out.

Atobe's eyes popped. "_Kabaji_!"

"Usu," acknowledged the giant happily. This game that Yuushi had asked him to play was quite interesting. Even _he_ didn't often get to see Atobe's shocked expression so many times in one day.

The diva took off in the opposite direction, Kabaji at his heels, and ran for his life. Speeding across the golf course (and attracting the few golfers' puzzled stares), he shot up the tallest and sturdiest tree he could find and whipped out his cell phone again. "Kenzo, get the helicopter to me at once! The –"

Suddenly, a violent shake flung his phone out of his hands. The tree he was in was shaking like there was an earthquake confined to it alone. Soon, it was swaying and swinging around as if a typhoon had come calling. Hanging on for dear life, Atobe looked down and saw the familiar shape of Kabaji.

"Damn," he growled. Throwing caution to the winds, he leapt out of the tree's wildly flailing branches, landing with a roll on the ground (those karate lessons were handier than he'd thought). He quickly pulled himself back up and started running again.

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Gakuto was rolling in the grass, laughing so hard he could barely breathe. "Oh Kami-sama… this is priceless, absolutely priceless!"

Beside him, Shishido was doubled over in laughter, punching the ground and leaking tears in his amusement. Choutarou was kneeling next to him, not too sure whether he should join in the fun or try to calm his sempais down.

"Too loud, you two. He'll hear you," warned Yuushi, but even he was having a hard time restraining himself from showing too much emotion and losing his cool tensai image.

Hiyoshi, wielding the camera, had an evil glint in his eyes as he clicked off the shutter several times in rapid succession. "Gekokujyou," he crowed triumphantly.

The blunette sweatdropped. _He's got issues_, he decided. Aloud, he said, "Right, people, aren't we going to follow him?"

"Can't lose sight of him," agreed Hiyoshi, an unnaturally sadistic grin on his face.

Yuushi hauled his redheaded partner, who was still limp with laughter, onto his back. "Next…"

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His mind was foggy; his vision slid in and out of focus. How long had he been running…? Atobe couldn't seem to remember, but it sure felt like a long time. It was early evening already, and Kabaji was still chasing him. _Is this what that brat felt when _I_ was after him?_ Atobe wondered, wanting to laugh but restraining the urge. Hysterical was one word he did not like when used on himself.

A banana peel seemed to appear out of thin air before him, though perhaps it'd been there for ages and he'd simply not noticed. Unable to halt his stumbling feet, Atobe's heel hit the thing squarely. His foot flew out from under him and he fell, wondering why everything was happening in slow motion. _Oh… I'm at the pool. Wasn't I here earlier? Wait, maybe I did a roundabout… why the hell am I sliding so far…?!_

There was a resounding splash, spray flying high, as the diva of Hyotei made a dramatic entrance into the school's swimming pool – face first, of course.

"Aww, he's done," mourned Gakuto, emerging from the bleachers where they'd been hiding.

Choutarou was fretting, as usual. "Sempai, don't you think we should go help him? He might drown…"

"His _fats_ will make sure he floats – no," Yuushi cut himself off before his mouth ran away with him and spilled out more lame puns. "Don't worry, Ootori-kun. Atobe will recover soon. He's more resilient than you'd think."

Just then, a puffing Kabaji appeared, charging towards the prone form of Atobe, which was floating rather forlornly in the otherwise empty pool. The blunette quickly stepped into his path. "Wait, Kabaji. Your job's over."

Kabaji cocked his head, apparently puzzled. "…?"

"You may go home for now," said Yuushi patiently.

"…Usu." The giant complied without much resistance, accepting the shirt Yuushi very helpfully procured.

Turning back to the immediate problem, Yuushi let out a sigh. "Who's going to go in and save Atobe?"

There was silence. When he glanced back, he found that the regulars had mysteriously vanished. "Those idiots…"

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OMAKE

Atobe woke up slowly. He recognized the feel of pure silk sheets and pillowcases of his own bed. Had it all been a nightmare…? Realizing that there was a large body lying next to him, he opened his eyes – only to meet with a pair of familiar dark ones that he knew only too well.

"_Kabaji_?!" The unfortunate diva shot out of the bed so fast that it looked as though he'd been in it one moment and at the other end of the room the next. Images of all kinds of terrible things that might have happened while he'd been sleeping flickered through his mind; had Kabaji won the game and claimed his prize? Oh, the horror!

Kabaji was as expressionless as always. "It was fun," he informed the silver-haired boy, his choice of words slightly more varied than usual.

_It was fun…_ His worst fears were confirmed. Atobe slumped against the wall in a dead faint.

Yuushi popped out from Atobe's gargantuan walk-in wardrobe, quickly followed by the rest of the Hyotei team. "Mission accomplished. Good job, Kabaji."

"Usu," acknowledged the giant, wondering why his silver-haired friend had collapsed.

Shishido poked their buchou's crumpled form. "He's dead."

Gakuto joined him in poking. "Yeah, he's dead."

"Sempais, shouldn't we be getting a doctor or something?" pleaded Choutarou, quite shocked at his seniors' lack of decorum.

Hiyoshi whipped out his camera with an evil grin. "Gekokujyou," he declared, completely ignoring poor Choutarou.

A cell phone rang – Yuushi's. Picking it up, he said, "Hello, Fuji. Yes, I've finished the job. Yes, you've got the copyright to whatever pictures you took. We've got our own." A short pause. "Business competition has its rules, Fuji. We need not have a set price. See you at the next match." He ended the call, smiling like a cat that had gotten into the cream jug.

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"Come one, come all! Come and see the Atobe Keigo that you have never seen before!" The announcement blared over the speakers, attracting large hordes of customers to a pair of makeshift pushcart shops.

Atobe flipped his hair. "Ore-sama no bigi ni yoi na. Let's see what they're selling – probably more pictures that glorify Ore-sama…"

"Usu," agreed Kabaji, obediently following the diva through the crowd, which parted like the Red Sea before the silver-haired boy.

Suddenly, Atobe stopped dead in his tracks, his eyes widening to an impossible size. In front of each shop was a blown-up picture of Atobe – one of him sweaty and unglamorous, chasing after a cat-suited Echizen Ryoma; one of him filthy and tattered, suspended in the air with the traitorous banana peel below.

A vein began to throb at his temples; his eyebrows twitched violently. "Kabaji. Find the shopkeepers and bring them to me."

"Usu." The giant started to shove his way through the remaining people between them and the shops themselves.

Behind one booth, Fuji Syuusuke looked up. "Saa, he's here. Oshitari-kun?"

"Yes. We'd better pack up and leave," said the blunette, already taking in the photos laid out on the table.

"Wait." Fuji turned to his latest customer with his most charming smile. "Ne, Atobe-kun is right there. Don't you think you should greet him?"

The fangirl's eyes glinted. "Atobe-sama is here!" she yelled, charging towards her idol. Around her, the other fangirls also followed suit.

Atobe fell back as the inexorable human wave engulfed him. "Kabaji!" he shouted, desperately trying to keep himself from being ton limb from limb by the rabid fangirls. "Get me out of here!"

"Usu." Kabaji immediately abandoned his quest for the shopkeepers, going at once to the diva's rescue.

"Nice one," complimented Yuushi.

"No problem." The pretty brunette was all smiles. "I'm sure Atobe will have a _good_ time."

Screams echoed from the trees around them.

Yuushi adjusted his spectacles, heaving up a box of blackmail photos. "Yes, he certainly will."

OWARI

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THIS CHAPTER WAS WRITTEN BY MESMERIZEDBYCERULEANEYES

**A/N: OMG this chapter is SO long! I think it's the longest How To chapter we have to date… ****between Kid-chan and me, that is. That's partly why I took so long to update –shot- And if anyone's noticed, this is the THIRD attempt we have made on irritating Atobe. Hopefully we've done him justice this time! XD**

**Credits to Shu-chan and Lexa-chan (as well as Kid-chan, of course). Did everyone enjoy the Royal Pair and KabajiXAtobe? Well, it's not **_**really**_** KabajiXAtobe; that's just in for the effect… :-X But don't you think Ryo-chan would be so **_**kawaii**_** in a cat costume?! ^^ Let's just say it's a happy ending for them… XD Even though they're going to get plenty of blackmailing from Fuji… ;-D**

**This is the second-last chapter of the 'How To' Guide. There will be one more for ALL the buchous, fukubuchous and coaches, jointly written by Kid-chan and me, to round off this ficcy. Hope you've all enjoyed it! We might take a while, but do stick around till the end, ne!**

**Please Review!!**


	18. BONUS

**BONUS CHAPTER**

**Pretty In Pink**

Tezuka leads a very straight, and very normal life.

That is what he is _terribly _inclined to believe.

That is not, however, what his teammates (specifically a certain Fuji Syuusuke) believe.

With this, Tezuka arrives for tennis practice. As he enters the locker room, he finds a bright pink note stuck to Fuji's locker.

Later, Fuji is not surprised to see his favourite buchou standing at the doorway of the locker room furiously shaking a piece of paper which reads:

ACTUALLY, TEZU-KUN LOOKS QUITE PRETTY IN THAT SHIRT.

(*´ﾟ∀ﾟ)c＜Fuji

How Fuji clung to that smile in the blizzard that was Tezuka is a mystery even to Fuji.

_(__113 words)_

* * *

**Spectacles vs Contact Lenses**

Many people wondered why Kite wore glasses. In the first place, glasses weren't that common in the countryside that was Okinawa. Moreover, there was always the option of contact lenses, so much easier to play tennis in than spectacles that bounced and clouded and so on.

Kite never did tell anyone, but it's something almost sentimental. It represents his leadership of the tennis team. He's the only one among them with spectacles, and somehow that gives him the psychological right to judge and critique their play.

They most certainly have nothing to do with the fact that they make him look smarter than he really is.

_(__106 words)_

* * *

**Misunderstanding**

Aoi Kentaro was not noisy. He was merely friendly. Being friendly, he wanted other people to realize that he was friendly, and that meant making his friendliness as obvious as possible. Loudly.

After all, wasn't it better to be friendly in a loud and obvious way than in the way Echizen-kun did, always pulling down his cap and pretending indifference? There was _such_ a huge possibility of being misconstrued as being _un_friendly.

Of course, Kentaro, being the broad-minded and big-hearted person he was, had understood at once that this was Echizen-kun's way of being friendly and proceeded to make up for the other's reticence by being twice as loud as before.

_(__111 words)_

* * *

**Collar Pin**

All aristocrats are calm and charming and Atobe is no exception. However, in certain trying situations, even Atobe has his limits.

"Atobe, your collar's crooked."

"Buchou, collar."

"Attooobbeee- Hey, check your shirt collar."

Atobe, overwrought with constantly checking his uniform finally loses it and screeches, "WHY IS EVERYONE TELLING ME ABOUT MY COLLAR?" And in a style that could only be possible in cartoons, he screams until all his clothes explodes and he is left seething in the middle of the tennis court in his underwear.

Kabajii walks up to him and states, "You're having a bad shirt day."

_(__98 words)_

* * *

**Jimmy**

It's really not fair to be called a Jimmy when you're actually perfectly _not _boring. (Jimmy is the Romanization of the Japanese word for boring-- 地味). After all, he and Higashikata were very good at doubles and had indubitably surpassed the 'basic' level. Minami would have understood if they were called Jimmies for playing very basic doubles, but since they didn't, it was quite inexplicable and inexcusable.

"Hello, Sengoku. I see you're representing your team? Who's this? Ah yes, one of the members of the Jimmies, right? Um… what's your name again?"

Really, _what_ was so boring about him that he deserved to be forgotten like this? Didn't having spiky hair count for _anything_?!

_(__116 words)_

* * *

**Good nature, Bad nature; Who cares when you're living in a pirate ship****？**

Tachibana believes in good nature. This, he thinks, will make the world a better place.

"Hey Akira-kun! Stick out your tongue and say 'I live in a pirate ship'! It's a really neat trick!"

"Ehh?!"

"Onii-chan told me the trick."

"O-okay. 'I live in a pila-shit'."

"HAHAHAHAHA! You live WHERE?!"

"An-chan!" An pointed to Tachibana standing close by who turned and blinked.

Akira, his face red, gave Tachibana the most 'I-no-longer-have-any-respect-for-you-you-horrid-person' look and ran off into the sunset, the droplets trailing behind him twinkled.

'Good nature, good nature, good nature,' Tachibana chanted to himself. Behind him, An continued to laugh.

_(__100 words)_

* * *

**Needs of the (not so) Quiet Kind**

Akazawa is a sensible person with sensible needs.

These include air, tennis and his computer.

This does not bode well with his manager who feels he only needs tennis and Mizuki. Which is him.

"You're cheating on me? Death!" Mizuki promised as Akazawa ducked from the tennis balls lobbed towards him.

"NO! I'm- Wait, I'm not even in a relationship with you!"

"I KNEW IT! YOU'RE WITHTHAT LAPTOP AREN'T YOU?"

"No! We have an on/off relationship!"

"HAH! SO YOU ADMIT IT!"

The last thing he heard was Mizuki muttering darkly about an iMac Laptop before a particularly vengeful tennis ball took him out.

_(__105 words)_

* * *

**Wii, FTW!!!**

Contrary to popular opinion, Sanada Genichirou was _not_ a rock. If you went to him asking about it, he would have directed you to Tezuka Kunimitsu after a very scary tarundoru-ing for the disrespect.

But that's beside the point. Sanada was, as we just established, not a rock. He professed to be a very passionate person, particularly about tennis, kendo and Yukimura. If he was a rock concerning other things, namely video games (what on earth is a Mario?!), that couldn't be helped.

Though, admittedly, he _could_ perhaps learn to become passionate about a Wii. Especially when Yukimura was playing tennis on it.

_(103__ words)_

* * *

**Problem Solving, Made Easy**

Mizuki likes purple. Not because he's gay, or maybe not _primarily_ because he's gay. The _real_ reason is, you see, all his favorites look good in purple. Like himself, for example. And Yuuta. And that gorgeous Atobe, who's just _delicious_ in purple.

There was only one problem. Fuji Syuusuke wore purple too. Worse, he looked _good_ in it.

Mizuki had racked his brains to find a way out of this dilemma for weeks before he finally hit upon the answer.

Fuji Syuusuke was not pleased to find that the 'purple freak' had started to stalk _him_, along with Yuuta.

_(99__ words)_

* * *

**Revenge of the Arm**

Shiraishi has _never,_ _ever_, wished anyone harm. Especially not an idiot like Kintaro.

"KINTARROOOO! YOU HAVE ANGERED THE ARM!"

"NOOOOO!!!! NO, NO PLEASE, BUCHOU!!!!! SPARE MEEEE!!!!!" yelled Kintaro as he ran from Shiraishi whose shoelaces were untied (Kintaro's doing).

Shiraishi was tying his shoelaces when Kenya came over, "Was Kin-chan CRYING? YOU MADE HIM CRY, BUCHOU? NOW HE'S GOING TO BE DEPRESSED AND GO ON A RAMPAGE AND TURN THE WORLD INTO A JUNGLE AND IT'LL BE HELL FOR _ME_!"

Shiraishi straightened, "Uh, sorry?"

"SORRY WON'T PAY FOR THE MEDICAL BILLS JUNGLE-BOY INCURS!" And Oshitari stomped off.

Shiraishi stood there thinking he never did wish anyone any harm.

_(__108 words)_

* * *

**My Earring, My Pride**

Earrings were a cult thing in Jyousei Shounan. Cool guys wore them, because only cool guys could wear them without looking gay.

Naturally, the tennis buchou wore an earring. He was, after all, _cool._

Inevitably, there came a day when he lost his earring.

"He's got no earring… must have been demoted."

"EHHH?! Kajimoto-sama's earring is gone!!! He's not cool anymore!!!" –BAWLZ--

Kajimoto stewed for the whole day under his schoolmates' scrutiny. When he went to practice, Wakato grinned and asked sympathetically, "No longer cool, Kajimoto?"

That was the final straw. Kajimoto blew up with impressive force. "I JUST LOST MY EARRING THIS MORNING!!! WHY IS EVERYONE HARPING ON IT?!!! LEAVE –"

His rant ended with an undignified croak when he realized that Wakato himself was wearing Kajimoto's all-important earring.

_(__130 words)_

* * *

**A/N: **Hey guys, Kid here. Sorry for the late, late, late, late, late, late yesweareveryguiltysoverysorry sub-final chapter.

_Warning: __Spamming of __**Bold**__ and __Underlines__ ahead. _

While mbc's trying to think up one more drabble, I went ahead to announce our little **BIG** competition. That's right guys! **We're having a contest!** And if you win, you get to suggest little pranks (or actually, **big pranks**!) we can play on our buchous (and maybe fukubuchous and coaches if we feel like it) for the **Grand Final Chapter**. You also get a chance to be **featured in our final chapter**! (Your pen name will be anyway.)

Doesn't that sound **exciting**? Well, **I** think it is.

Anyway, here's the contest: Identify who wrote which drabble in the eleven drabbles above. (You gotta name _**all**_ of them!!) Post your answers in the form of a review Eg. 10. Kid9535; 11. mesmerizedbyceruleaneyes. Then if we reply you to tell you that you won, you can PM me, Kid9535 with your suggestions. (to keep it a surprise for the rest) :D

I'll give you **one big hint**: Read our previous chapters. It should be obvious.

We'll keep the number of correct answers required flexible, because we aren't too sure how many of you will take part and how easily you can guess who wrote what. However, the **deadline** is pretty important and we've fixed _that_ at least. **Suggestions must be submitted a week after this chapter has been uploaded. **That is, they **must** be in by **14****th**** December 2009** (just as a little allowance for time-difference etc.).

(Ceru-chan: A little A/N for myself XD we had a lot of fun coming up with these random drabbles, and they're kind of our apology for delaying the veryveryvery long-awaited grand finale for so… well, long. I just checked, and apparently we did the last chappie in March, which means it's almost a year!! –horror—so yes, that's why y'all get a bonus chappie and a fun little competition before the REAL grand final.

In case anyone was curious, Sanada is here as Rikkai's representative because Yukimura is very difficult to do. Really, he is. It took Kid here some time to come up with something good enough for him. He's almost as bad as Atobe… well, aside from that, we also realized that we skipped St Rudolph completely, so as a penance we featured _both_ of them – Akazawa and Mizuki – here instead of taking a longer time over a proper chapter for each of them.

Hope you enjoyed this even though it doesn't have any kind of connection to the How To Guide – well, I guess some of them seem to be related but not all of them :-X – and do try for the competition. It's really not that difficult =D I'm sure you all have wonderful ideas on how to torture our buchous, etc.! XD)

Please review and try out for the competition! ^^


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